


Purring Cat, Hidden Hamster

by alkjira



Series: Animal AUs [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: A Cockatiel, ALL THE CRACK, Alternate Universe - Animals, Birds, Cats, Crack, Doves, Hamsters, M/M, and hamster babies, cathamsters, guinea pig(s), guineatiels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-27 21:29:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This started out as the story about Hamster!Bilbo and Cat!Thorin meeting when they both ended up living with Ori.</p><p>Then there were cathamsters:</p><p><em>“I’m</em> not <em>going to go to a vet and somehow put myself in a situation where I have to explain that I think my male cat got my male hamster pregnant.”</em></p><p>Some time after that we were joined by Guinea pig!Gimli, Cockatiel!Legolas, and others.</p><p>Then there were guineatiels:</p><p> </p><p>  <em>'Kíli stared down at the eggs. Eggs. EGGS. Tiny smooth things that shouldn’t really exist. Well, not these eggs anyway.'</em></p><p> </p><p><strong>Yeah</strong>.</p><p>As the tags suggest, this is full of crack. But if you like that sort of thing, (or just cute and fluffy animals) I think this is for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.

Once upon a time there was a hamster called Bilbo and a cat called Thorin. They both shared a human, who was called Ori.  
  
Ori had two brothers and lots of friends, but this story is not about any of them. It's a little about Ori, but mostly about Bilbo and Thorin.  
  
  
  
Ori was very clever and bright, for a human, but one of his biggest mistakes was that he'd somehow gotten the impression that it was _he_ who owned Bilbo and Thorin, and not the other way around.  
  
Fortunately the animals both knew better, because when someone brings you food, pets you and praises you, and cleans up after you, then there's not really much to discuss. To make Ori happy they didn't bother to tell him about this. It was better that he was allowed to go on as usual.  
  
  
  
When Bilbo and Thorin first met they didn't really like each other much. This was mostly Thorin's fault as his instincts were rather insistent on that if something was small and furry and squeaked, then it was likely edible. And edible things should naturally be eaten.  
  
Also, to be (purrfectly) honest, Thorin had also been a little upset that Ori was no longer happy with just him for company. Eating the competition seemed like a rather practical, and possibly delicious, idea.  
  
There might have been more than a few... _stressful_ mornings when Bilbo woke up to find intense blue eyes watching him. And more than one occasion when Thorin’s raspy pink tongue carelessly cleaned between his long claws.

Even if you had been sure that those eyes and claws didn't belong to someone who wanted to eat you, that sort of behaviour would still be fairly stressful for a hamster to observe, and as it were… let’s just say that Bilbo might have become the first hamster who learnt how to meditate in an effort to keep his blood pressure down.

But little by little they grew closer, and _not_ because someone got eaten.  
  
  
  
Thorin found himself with an obsession to try and figure out if he could lick Bilbo's fluffy fur into submission, because really, _someone_ needed to groom that hamster and there weren't many other candidates around. Ori's tongue was just sad.  
  
It turned into an almost physical itch for Thorin every time he saw a tuft of Bilbo’s fur flopping the wrong way, and he really wanted to fix it. He _needed_ to fix it. Besides, with all that fur, eating the hamster wouldn’t be worth the resulting hairball anyway.  
  
Sadly, the grooming had to stay a mental exercise, because when Ori left to go to his job, he always made sure that the door to Bilbo's cage was securely fastened. And more often than not he even closed the door into his bedroom; which was were the cage was, there by trapping Thorin outside.  
  
You might think that this was good news for Bilbo. But... he actually found that he missed Thorin. The cat might want to eat him, but if you ignored that then he was actually very good company. Eventually Bilbo stopped being frightened every time those blue eyes would find him, and instead his heart beat faster for another reason entirely.  
  
But they couldn't explain these changes to Ori, who still thought that Thorin lying next to Bilbo's cage meant that the cat was in the mood for a snack, and he also thought that Bilbo's trembling meant that he was afraid.  
  
Thorin was most upset about being accused to scare Bilbo, so he threw up a hairball in Ori's favourite coffee cup in revenge. Never mind that he might _once_ have entertained ideas about a hamster sized snack. It was still annoying that someone as bright as Ori could have these moments of complete stupidity.  
  


One day Ori came home to find his bedroom door open, Bilbo's cage decidedly void of any hamsters, and Thorin lying outstretched on the couch; looking extremely pleased with himself.  
  
For a moment the young man feared the worst, actually, he feared the worst for several moments, but then he noticed a flash of pale golden brown in the midst of Thorin's dark fur.  
  
It was a relief to see that it wasn’t just a hairball.

Between the front legs of the softly purring cat lay a sleeping hamster, and for once the curly tufts of Bilbo's fur could be said to be arranged in something that at least _reminded_ you of order.


	2. And Then There Was More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, see chapter title.

“Dude, I think there’s something wrong with your hamster.”  
  
Ori turned to Kíli only to see his friend flinch back from Thorin’s claws.  
  
“I’ll amend that to ‘there’s _definitely_ something wrong with your cat’. I wasn’t going to hurt him,” the dark-haired young man told the equally dark-haired, but not as young (at least not in cat years) cat.  
  
Thorin hissed and curled up tighter around the hamster. They were both lying on the couch, tucked away in a corner, and Ori could only see Bilbo's little face sticking up from the fluffy barrier Thorin made.  
  
“He’s been a little jumpier than usual,” Ori said while looking concernedly at the smaller of his two pets. “And he did actually growl at me yesterday, Bilbo I mean, Thorin is always kind of growly.”  
  
“You don’t say,” Kíli muttered.  
  
“But that doesn’t mean something is wrong. Why do you think something is wrong?”  
  
“Have you seen his stomach?”  
  
Ori scowled. “I know he’s not the thinnest of hamster, but he’s not actually overweight. I’m not mistreating him.”  
  
“Well he’s either been sneaking a lot of treats or something is wrong. Thorin moved, and then I saw it. It was really big.” Kíli face-palmed. "And I did not mean for that to come out like _that_."  
  
When they looked back at Bilbo, Thorin defiantly curled his bushy tail around the hamster until only a pair of pointy ears were visible.  
  
“How can your cat have such an attitude problem?” Kíli asked. “You’re so sweet.”  
  
Ori was not blushing. 26 year old men did not blush.  
  
“He’s just a cat I guess,” Ori shrugged. “Aren’t they all like that?”  
  
“Dwalin’s not like that. He loves mum.”  
  
“Well, Thorin loves Bilbo.” Ori crouched down in front of the couch. Thorin glared at him. “Which is why he wouldn’t want something to happen to him,” Ori said sternly, poking the cat in the side.  
  
“Dude, are you threatening your cat with the life of your hamster?”  
  
“What, no!” Ori protested. “I just meant that if there is something wrong with Bilbo, I need to look at him.”  
  
Thorin hissed.  
  
“Good luck, I think that one only speaks Cat,” Kíli said doubtfully. “Maybe Hamster. But I’ve always taken Bilbo for the language savvy one.”  
  
“Your brain must be a scary place if that’s one of the thoughts that's in it,” Ori said distractedly as he tried to make Thorin budge. The cat was having none of it.  
  
“What if you bribe him with tuna?”  
  
“Thorin only eats salmon.”  
  
“I’m beginning to understand what the attitude problem is coming from.”  
  
Eventually the two young men gave up. Bilbo, what they could see of him now, seemed fine. And they didn't want to hurt any of the animals by forcefully pulling them apart.  
  
“I’ll check on him later, I guess,” Ori said. “But this is _not_ over,” he added to a smug-looking Thorin.  
  
-  
  
The next morning when Ori looked in Bilbo’s cage he did a double-take. It was not because it was empty, as empty had become something of a natural state for the cage ever since Bilbo had realised that Thorin was not going to eat him. Rather it was because it was not.  
  
Having a hamster that was something of an escape artist was fairly cool, so Ori hadn’t really been bothered by the cage's default unoccupied state.  
  
If someone as much as looked at Bilbo in the wrong way Thorin would throw up in their shoes (yes, this had been statistically proven) so he wasn’t worried about what having a cat and hamster run loose in the same flat could lead to. In hindsight, perhaps he should have been, even if the thought made his brain want to curl up in a foetal position.  
  
When he had gone to bed the other night the cage had been empty as Bilbo and Thorin had still been practicing on their furry-couch-cushions imitations. But now the cage was not empty, not at all.  
  
Bilbo, little, golden haired, curly, fluffy Bilbo was curled up in the cage, and nestled by his side lay no fewer than four, no _five_ , pink, hairless, hamster babies.  
  
“How, what-“ Ori stammered. “Did you _steal_ these?”  
  
The look Bilbo shot him was decidedly unimpressed - perhaps Kíli was on to something regarding Bilbo’s language skills after all.  
  
To be fair to Ori, Bilbo somehow managing to steal hamster... (kits, cubs, erm, _hatchlings_? no? babies it was then) _babies_ seemed just as likely as Bilbo not being male (very unlikely) and somehow managing to meet another hamster (very, very, very unlikely) and getting pregnant (not that unlikely for a hamster, if said hamster was female but-)  
  
Thorin suddenly jumped up on the table, carrying in his mouth a pink cotton ball which he carefully deposited next to Bilbo, who then fluffed it up around one of the babies.  
  
-  
  
When all the _pups_ (really, didn’t _babies_ make more sense?) turned out to grow black fur Kíli proclaimed Thorin to be the father. And why not, it made as much sense at the rest of it.  
  
“Shouldn’t you have him, her, him, tested?” Kíli asked.  
  
“I’m _not_ going to go to a vet and somehow put myself in a situation where I have to explain that I think my male cat got my male hamster pregnant.”  
  
The tiny hamster curled up in his palm yawned. It was unnaturally adorable.  
  
“Fair point,” Kíli agreed after a few seconds. He stroked a finger carefully along the spine of the yawning pup. “Hey, do you think me and Fíli can have one of these when they’re older?”  
  
Thorin yowled _furiously_.  
  
"Oookay, then," Kíli said. "It was just a thought."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual email conversation I've had:
> 
> alkjira: I like hamster bilbo more. Lmao preggie hamster bilbo! Profit. 
> 
> diemarysues: Is Thorin still a cat in this scenario?
> 
> alkjira: I think so....  
> But I mean it makes as much sense as the mpreg fic does.  
> There are soooo many reasons why that wouldn't work.... My brain needed all the crack to write it. 
> 
> -
> 
> And that is how this happened. Really, hamster-cat, Dwarf-Hobbit, same same but different ;)


	3. Hamsters, hamsters, hamsters. Um, cat-hamsters?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The babies are getting big.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know. I really don't know.

Thorin hadn't ever expected to be a father. Especially not to five hamsters. But he wasn't complaining. All right, sometimes he did complain, a _bit_ , but there wasn't a parent alive who wouldn't complain when Merry and Pippin tried to commit suicide by way of recklessness.  
  
And it didn’t help that the older they got the more they looked like Bilbo; their fur getting progressively lighter and curlier, it was so hard to stay mad at them, but unfortunately; like their daddy they were much too clever at getting themselves in and out of places they shouldn’t even be in the first place.  
  
Like on top of the curtains.  
  
“Merry. Pippin.” Thorin growled low in his throat and his ears was flat against his head. “Get down, right this instant. Do not make me climb up there. “  
  
The only saving grace was that his boys were always together. If you found one of them, the other was only a step behind. Thorin didn’t want to imagine them splitting up… Then he would have to split himself in two as well, and cats were not meant to do that. (Fine, maybe they weren’t supposed to fall in love with hamsters either, but that was Bilbo’s fault.)  
  
“Um,” Pippin said. “I’m not sure how we are supposed to get down?”  
  
“Then why did you climb up there?” Thorin hissed.  
  
“We’re exploring!” Merry chimed in, then he sneezed. “But I think Ori needs to dust up here.”  
  
“Do not fall down,” Thorin growled, then he stalked off to collect their human. On his way he passed Bilbo.  
  
“Your sons are stuck in the curtains.”  
  
“Your sons too,” Bilbo reminded.  
  
“Not this part of them.”  
  
“Darling, have you ever seen me climb the curtains? No? Have you climbed the curtains? Yes. What does that tells us?”  
  
Muttering sourly Thorin ignored Bilbo (the hamster watched in amusement as the cat's tail swished back and forth in annoyance) and continued into the kitchen where he yowled at Ori until the human followed him into the living room.  
  
-  
  
Kíli the second (also known as Mini-Kíli) sat in Kíli the first’s (also known as just Kíli) hand and Ori tried to keep an enamoured expression away from his face. They were just so adorable. Was it any wonder that he just had to name the little hamster after Kíli? It was just… perfect.  
  
Mini-Kíli wrinkled his nose and Kíli wrinkled his as well. Ori tried not to sigh happily. It was undignified.  
  
Thorin strolled past and shot him an unimpressed look, but Ori tried not to be bothered. Thorin’s default state of being was unimpressed. And anyone who cleaned himself by licking could just stop it with the superior looks.  
  
-

“What are you thinking about, son?” Thorin asked Durin.  
  
“About this dream I had, father,” Durin replied, moving to sit between Thorin’s front paws. “It was a strange dream.”

“What about then?” Thorin prompted.  
  
“There was a big city, inside a huge rock. And a big puddle outside. Smooth as a mirror.” Durin sighed. “It was nice.”  
  
Thorin rubbed the side of his cheek against his son’s head. “Sounds like it would have been,” he agreed.  
  
“Daddy didn’t think so,” Durin said a bit sullenly. “He said that hamsters can’t live in rocks, we need  sunlight. I’m not a _plant_.”  
  
“I wish your brothers were,” Thorin purred. “Plants do not make for good runners. Or climbers. And they stay put.”

-  
  
Ori looked at Thorin and Durin lying together on the couch. Durin was the one of the pups that most closely resembled Thorin. Immediately after thinking that Ori winced. His brain always hurt when it accidentally came across the subject of the hamsters’ parentage. It was like thinking about one of those images where the stairs went up and up and never ended. Or any David Lynch film. Though Ori was fairly sure that the guy had never done a film about hamsters.  
  
-  
  
“Where’s Frodo?” Bilbo asked suddenly and all the hamsters and cat looked around. Zero Frodos were visible.  
  
Frodo was the smallest of the five siblings, much to Thorin’s secret (which wasn’t really a secret at all) concern. All the other’s had grown bigger than Bilbo, Durin being close to twice his size. But Frodo was only about three quarters of Bilbo’s. Still, he wasn’t so small that he could just have disappeared. But it appeared that it was just what he had done, because after an hour of searching they still hadn't found him.  
  
“Don’t worry,” Thorin purred and licked Bilbo’s ear. “We’ll find him.”  
  
“He could be anywhere,” Bilbo said miserably and curled into Thorin’s side. “Where could he be?”  
  
Thorin kindly refrained from responding ‘anywhere’, even if that was the word that came to mind.  
  
“Ori will be home soon, and then he’ll get Merry and Pippin down from the top of the fridge-“ (Frodo hadn’t been there.) “-and he’ll find Frodo.”  
  
“Don’t worry, dad,” Mini-Kíli said. “Frodo will be fine. Remember when he almost got sucked into the vacuum cleaner?”  
  
Durin turned to glare at his brother, and Kíli sniffed.  
  
“I’m just saying that he’s always fine. He’s got the same kind of dumb luck as Merry and Pippin.”  
  
“We heard that!” Merry yelled. “We’re not dumb!”  
  
“You’re dumb!” Pippin echoed.  
  
“Boys,” Thorin growled. “This is not the time-“  
  
The sound of a key being put into the lock came from the front door and Bilbo had suddenly disappeared from his place next to Thorin, dashing across the floor.

Before anyone had the chance to explain that Frodo was missing, Frodo was suddenly not missing anymore as Ori plopped him down on the carpet.  
  
“Where have you been!” Thorin growled. “We’ve been worried sick! Where has he been?” he asked, looking up at Ori.  
  
“If you’re wondering where he’s been, he hid himself in my pocket, so he got to tag along when I visited Mister Gandalf.”  
  
“Dads, dads, dads.” Frodo was practically vibrating with excitement. “I met another hamster, his name is Sam, and he’s bigger than me, but he was really nice, and…”  
  
“And you’re grounded,” Bilbo said sternly.  
  
“Dear,” Thorin murmured. “He’s a hamster, as are you, you don’t usually leave the house.”  
  
“Oh,” Bilbo’s little forehead wrinkled. “I’ll think of something.”  
  
“HEY!” Merry peeped from on top of the refridgerator . “Don’t forget about us!”  
  
-  
  
Ori had never thought that he would live in an apartment with a cat, a hamster and five cat-hamsters, but he wasn’t really complaining. All that he needed now was a Kíli. (Well, a second one. Did that even make sense considering that the Kíli he now had was Kíli the second? Probably not.)  
  
"I'm not saying that you're all not good company," Ori said to Mini-Kíli and stroked his dark glossy fur. "But you're not the biggest talker. Fair enough for a hamster I guess, but- yeah."  
  
Thorin came into the living room and yowled. By now that exact tone of yowl was as clear to Ori as if the cat _had_ actually spoken.  
  
"Right," Ori said to Mini-Kíli. "Let's see where your brothers have gotten themselves now, shall we."  
  
-  
  
Ori didn't even want to know how they even got into the bread bin in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, really don't know.


	4. When Gimli met Legolas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, see chapter title.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter contains no hamsters, except for in passing mention.
> 
> This chapter just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Or longer. Maybe the word I’m looking for is longer.  
> Anyway, I was kinda dillydallying if I should post it as its own thing, but it IS part of the hamster!Bilbo/cat!Thorin universe, so I stuck it here with the rest. I have a feeling there will be crossovers sooner or later, so I might as well keep it as one story.

“Whoever thought that guinea pigs looked anything like pigs must have been very blind,” Fíli said as he watched Gimli run around in his cage.  
  
“Well it’s not like a pineapple looks like an apple either,” Kíli said. He looked down at the guinea pig and tilted his head. “Do you think he’s _supposed_ to do that?”  
  
“Run?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
Fíli shrugged. “Probably. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know anything about guinea pigs.”  
  
“How long did you say you were taking care of him again?”  
  
“Your trust in me is overwhelming, brother,” Fíli said drily.  
  
“You are taking care of someone’s pet to try and score a date,” Kíli grinned. “If that is not worthy of mocking then I do not know what is.”  
  
“And how long have you been trying to ask Ori out on a date, oh wise and daring one?”  
  
“That’s different,” Kíli scowled. “You’re not friends with Bofur.”  
  
Fíli pressed his hand over his heart. “You wound me most gravely.”  
  
“You know what I mean, you ass,” Kíli huffed. “You’ve not known each other for years like I’ve Ori. He’s just someone you work with and think is hot. ”  
  
“I’m not the ass, you're the ass!” Fíli replied, _very_ maturely, and jostled Kíli with his shoulder. Before it could turn into a scuffle, the only sane person living in their flat (or so she claimed) put a stop to it.

“Will you two shut up?” Tauriel called from her room. “Some of us have actually got brains and are trying to study.”

Legolas shrieked in what sounded like agreement. But what the cockatiel studied neither Kíli nor Fíli knew. Except for all the ways to poop in someone’s hair. They both figured the bird had to be at least a professor in that field.

Gimli stopped running and froze for a brief moment, then his teeth started chattering.  
  
“Is he cold?” Kíli asked. “How can he be cold with all that fur? He’s even fluffier than Bilbo. And bigger." Kíli frowned. "Is that relevant?”  
  
“I think he’s upset,” Fíli said. “Looks like he doesn't like Legolas.”

“It is a sign from above!” Kíli exclaimed, throwing up his hands. “You and Bofur are clearly meant to be.”

“That did not even make sense.” Fíli glowered. “And if you’re going to keep that up, talking about Bofur I mean, because I already know that you never make sense, I'm going to send Ori that photo of you with Kíli the second on your head.”

“It wasn't like he was going to fall down,” Kíli objected. “He had fun. And I would have caught him, if he had fallen. Which he didn’t. Because all who are named Kíli are awesome by nature.” There was a brief pause. “Please don't send the photo. Ori would never forgive me. And Thorin would likely eat me if _he_ found out. I'll tell Bofur how good you are with Gimli?”

“Just,” Fíli sighed. “Don't tell him _anything_. Okay?”

“What, I could so be your wingman,” Kíli sulked.

“No. Trust me. You can't. Tauriel on the other hand. At least she’s got enough birds.”

“Why are you talking about me!?” Tauriel shouted. “Why are you still talking so _loudly_?”

“We are only saying nice things!” Fíli called back.  
  
There was the sound of a door slamming shut.  
  
Fíli and Kíli looked at each other and shrugged. “Finals,” they chorused.  
  
“That’s the nice part of working, except getting paid,” Kíli said. “No one suddenly going to give you a pop-quiz. Or ask you why the Austro-Hungarian Empire dissolved.”  
  
“Kíli, no one ever asked you that, you didn’t even study history.”  
  
“Exactly, if I had studied history then I would have known! Now I just have this suspicion that I should know. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge and all that.” Kíli looked thoughtful. “Wanna go and get a drink? I’ll let you cry on my shoulder?”

“Thirsty business talking about history?” Fíli raised an eyebrow. “I'm not supposed to leave him alone,” he added nodding down at Gimli who had gone back to running around in his cage.

“Well, apparently Bofur _does_ like you,” Kíli mused. “Pretty awesome trick. Making you sit at home the entire weekend when he's out of town and not around to keep an eye on you.”  
  
“Oh fuck off,” Fíli scowled, then he thought about what Kíli had said. “Do you really think he likes me?”  
  
“ _Pathetic_.” Kíli shook his head.  
  
“Pictures of you and a hamster. Cathamster. On your head,” Fíli threatened. 

“See, I clearly owe you a drink.” Kíli walked over to Tauriel’s room and knocked on the door. “Tauriel, will you watch Gimli the amazing guinea pig?”

“Will you two shut up if I do?” came the muffled reply through the wood.  
  
“We will leave and not come back for a good few hours if you do.”  
  
The door suddenly opened. “Deal,” Tauriel said, brushing her red hair back from her face. “Hand over the piggy and scram.”

-

“Hello, bird Legolas,” Gimli said, looking up at the white and grey bird sitting on the human girl’s shoulder.  
  
Well, not completely white and grey, the feather’s on his head was a fairly bright yellow and he had some bright orange spots on his cheeks. He looked… Gimli couldn’t quite put a word to it, but he figured he thought the bird looked strange, possibly stupid. He didn’t look like anyone Gimli had ever seen before, no doubt about it. About as far from a guinea pig you could come.

The bird didn’t answer. “Can't you speak? Some bird you make,” the guinea pig huffed.

“I can't believe you are as noisy as Kíli,” Tauriel murmured to him. “You sound like an old Space Invaders game.”  
  
“I do not know what that is, fair lady,” Gimli told her, but the human just sighed, clearly not understanding.  
  
Shame, so few humans could. Bofur managed better than most, but even with him Gimli had some issues communicating every now and again. He was still working on how to tell him that he wanted to try that ‘beer’ beverage the human drank from time to time. It smelled intriguing.  
  
“Well, you’re really cute at least,” the girl said as she turned her head back to her papers. “And you won’t talk to me about boys. It’s like they’re still in kindergarten,” she muttered. “How hard is it to just ask someone out? It’s not like they ever shut up, so it can’t be that hard.”

Gimli might have preened a little at the compliment, (ignoring the rest, because he rather liked the two young males, Fíli especially as he had visited Bofur several times) and from across the room came a soft cooing laugh.  
  
Hopping around to look at the laugher Gimli was expecting another bird, and he was not mistaken, but he had _not_ expected the vision of beauty that he laid eyes on.  
  
She was a white dove, but the light coming from Tauriel’s desk lamp gave her feathers a golden edge. She was pereched on top of a large silvery cage standing in the opposite corner of the room from where Gimli’s cage had been place on the girl’s desk.  
  
“Who is this paragon of loveliness whom I look upon?” Gimli asked, trying to be as courteous as he could, simply because the situation clearly demanded it.  
  
The white dove laughed again, and it was just as pretty the second time. “My name is Galadriel. And what be your name?”  
  
“I am Gimli, my Lady,” Gimli replied.

“Great, now everyone is making noise,” Tauriel muttered when Legolas did the bird equivalent of snorting rudely.  “Well, except you Celeborn,” she added, looking at a white and silver-grey dove Gimli just noticed sitting inside the cage.

He was just as beautiful as Galadriel, and having complimented the Lady, Gimli felt no reason why not to do the same for what _had_ to be her husband. He wasn’t close enough to smell them, but they very much looked like they belonged together.  
  
For some reason the smallest bird looked surprised when Gimli expressed his admiration for the silvery shine of Celeborn’s feathers. Maybe he was upset that Gimli hadn’t paid him any attention beyond that first greeting? Well, too bad. If he hadn’t been so rude and actually replied to the greeting then maybe Gimli would have.  
  
Or was it that the bird had trouble seeing when someone was beautiful and that was why he was surprised? Did birds have bad eyesight? Did birds not admire other birds? Gimli didn’t really know. But you’d have to be fairly blind not to see the beauty of the two doves.  
  
Maybe… maybe he was a bit slow. The screech he had let out earlier had been very annoying, very annoying _indeed_ ,  and he had done it again as Tauriel had brought Gimli's cage inside the room, but maybe he didn’t know better.  
  
Poor little fellow.

-  
  
Legolas didn’t much like this… this guinea pig. He was loud and rude, and, and _strange_. And short. Legolas wasn’t a very tall bird, but if he and that guinea pig would both stand at the table, Legolas thought that he would at _least_ be a head taller.

The cockatiel had met guinea pigs before, back in the Pet Store. He hadn't liked them. They were selfish and _rude_ and smelled funny. As such he was both surprised and very much not surprised when Gimli started out by blatantly ogling Galadriel. Oh, the white dove was lovely, but it surprised him that the guinea pig noticed. Though it was not surprising that he was crude enough to be so obvious about his gawking even with Celeborn right _there_. Typical guinea pigs, or so Legolas supposed.  
  
But then the furry little thing did the same for Celeborn and some of that not-surprise turned into surprise as well.

Perhaps the guinea pig was genuine in his compliments, because he couldn’t think that Galadriel and Celeborn both would fall for insincere flattery. They were a bonded pair, and no guinea pig could come between that. Not even if his fur was a rather nice -  
  
If birds could have scowled, that would have been what Legolas would have done.  
  
The guinea pig’s fur did not look nice. Not at all.  
   
-  
   
“Hey lad,” Gimli said after a period of silence except for soft cooing from the two doves and the rasp of the human girl’s pen against paper. “I did not mean to offend you before. Could we start again?”  
   
The bird called Legolas did not reply and Gimli looked at him in concern. He turned to Galadriel.  
  
“Is he- does he understand what I'm saying?”  
   
“Oh, he does,” she replied as Legolas turned his head to face away from Gimli.  
   
Gimli lowered his voice. “Is the lad a tad slow then?”  
   
“I beg your pardon?” Legolas said, his feathers ruffled; both literal and figurative.  
   
“You speak!” Gimli declared happily.  
   
“Not to you,” Legolas said pointedly and Galadriel clucked disapprovingly. Legolas ignored her which made Gimli frown. Such rudeness, and towards someone who had done  nothing to deserve it.  
  
“Fair enough,” Gimli said slowly. “But I will not apologize for my comment about the speed of your mind, because it seems to me it might be true.”

Legolas whistled sharply, and flew over to sit on the desk, closer to Gimli’s cage. It caused Tauriel to look up from her books. “Guys, keep it down. If I flunk out of Uni I won’t be able to keep you in the style you have grown accustomed to.”  
  
“It would not be the first time someone has insulted me,” Legolas said stiffly. “Not even for one of your kind. So do not think yourself original. And,” he added with a look in Galadriel’s direction. “If I were to call certain birds out for failing to mind their own business, that would not be the first time either.”  
  
“You should not speak like that to the Lady,” Gimli said disapprovingly. “Dislike me if you wish, but do not take it out on others.”  
  
“Why do you presume that you can tell me what to do?” The bird  glared down at Gimli. “Especially after insulting me.”  
  
“That started out as mistake,” Gimli said, feeling annoyance beginning to build up. “But I wonder what reasons you had to not respond to my greeting? Perhaps there is a reason why others have said similar things as I did to you.”  
  
The bird did not reply and instead flew over to perch on the top of a bookcase. Well, that suited Gimli just fine.  
  
He hoped it was dusty up there.  
  
 -  
  
The ball of fur at been staring at him for close to an hour now. Legolas was getting mighty sick of it.  
  
“Will you stop that,” he finally commanded, but the guinea pig just ignored him. “Stop staring at me, guinea pig.” Nothing. From Galadriel’s and Celeborn’s corner came an amused coo. The feathers on Legolas’ head  rose straight up in annoyance. “I demand that you will stop that right now!”  
  
“Gimli,” Galadriel called softly, and the guinea pig stirred. With a yawn the furry thing stretched out its back legs.  
  
“Yes, my Lady? I think I fell asleep there for a while. I hope you didn’t call for me long, my eyes may be open but that’s just how I sleep when I-“ the guinea pig paused. “Never mind that, did you wish for something?”  
  
Legolas was _not_ pleased. Somehow _not_ being ignored was even worse.  
  
-  
  
He was possibly even less content when Tauriel opened the door to Gimli’s cage and let him out into the room.  
  
“Please,” Tauriel scoffed when Legolas flew over to pick at her hair as a show of disapproval and told her that she was making a mistake. “You're all social animals. _Socialise_.”  
  
“She understands you?” Gimli asked as he trotted out of the cage and onto the desk, seemingly ignoring that _what_ she’d understood was Legolas disinterest in having him run loose. The guinea pig yelped a little in surprise when Tauriel suddenly deposited him on the floor.  
  
“Sorry,” she said apologetically, softly stroking his fur. “I didn’t mean to scare you. But I don’t want you falling off the desk either.”  
  
“It’s all right,” Gimli said, buffing Tauriel’s hand with his head. “But a little warning next time, lady.”  
  
“You _are_ a cute one,” she smiled. “Maybe you can come back sometime when my professors aren’t looking to suffocate us in work.”  
   
Legolas was _definitely_ not pleased. And when Fíli and Kíli got home it was a relief to see the blond boy carry Gimli out of the room.  
  
It really was.  
  
-  
  
“Tauriel,” Fíli said later that evening when Tauriel was brushing her hair in the bathroom. “Did something happen when Kíli and I went out for drinks? With Gimli I mean.”  
  
“You mean apart from the alien abduction?” Tauriel asked sarcastically. “Of course not, or I would have told you.”  
  
“He seems, a little down, that’s all. Maybe he just misses Bofur.” Fíli’s eyes turned a bit dreamy, or maybe that was just the remaining alcohol in his system. “I can’t say that I blame him.”  
  
“Fíli, just ask him out,” Tauriel sighed as she quickly plaited her hair.  
  
“Easy for you to say,” Fíli muttered. “Like anyone would turn you down.”  
  
“Yes, you are the ugliest duckling in the pond.” Tauriel rolled her eyes. “People just hate blond hair, blue eyes and muscles. Terrible. Just terrible.”  
  
“We all know I’m the pretty one,” Kíli said, popping his head inside the bathroom. “Are we having a bathroom party?”  
  
-  
  
The next day passed mostly without disturbances. Mostly. Fíli and Kíli did rather guarantee that things would not get too boring, that Gimli quickly figured out.  
  
It took hiding beneath a bed before they got it into their thick heads that he didn’t want them to put glitter on him. The braids had been rather nice, like being petted and groomed at the same time, but the line had to be drawn somewhere.  
  
“Fine,” Kíli said, lying on the floor and looking beneath the bed. “But you’d look awesome if you were sparkly, just saying.”  
  
“I’m getting more and more convinced that you are really kindergartners,” Tauriel said as she walked by in the hallway. Legolas had been resting on her shoulder, Gimli had heard him whistle. It probably wasn’t something very nice.  
  
It could be that the lad was just lonely. Gimli had Bofur, and currently more of Fíli’s and Kíli’s attention than he wanted, but perhaps the two doves were a little too involved with each other to talk to Legolas when his human was busy. And she seemed to be busy a lot.  
  
Gimli shook his head. He should stop making up excuses for that feathery creature.  
  
Another human also stopped by later that day, Ori, they called him. He seemed nice. Even if he smelled like cat.  
  
All the humans were nice. And Galadriel and Celeborn were also nice. If Bofur had to leave then Gimli didn’t mind staying here. Even with Legolas hovering (sometimes literally) in the background like a little white grumpy cloud.

He missed Bofur though.

-  
  
Gimli had just been on the verge of falling asleep on the hallway rug; the lady Galadriel’s cooing was a very soothing background noise, as was her husband’s - when he heard the rapid flutter of wings and then something touched the fur on his back. He turned his head only to see a white blur of feathers fly away. The bird did not reply when Gimli called after him.  
  
Well then.  
  
Gimli got to his feet and trotted after the bird into Tauriel’s room. At first he couldn’t see Legolas; when he looked at Galadriel she nodded towards the window and for a second the guinea pig thought that the cockatiel might have gotten outside. That wasn’t good.  
  
The outside was nice and all, with grass and many interesting things, but there were also beings like the Lawnmower and the Sprinkler, hideous beast that they were. It was not a place for someone like Legolas.  
  
Then he saw yellow feathers sticking up from behind the top of the curtain.

“Did you just touch my fur?” Gimli called up at the bird, and Legolas looked embarrassed. Gimli didn't know how he knew, because how could a bunch of yellow feathers look embarrassed?  But they did.  
  
There was no reply, and Gimli was getting very tired of talking to a wall when he was trying to talk to a bird. “If you thought yourself a bird of prey and able to snatch me up I’m going to have to reconsider your state of mind once again.”

A little white head came into view, almost invisible against the white ceiling if it hadn’t been for the yellow feathers and the bright orange spots on the bird’s cheeks. Those spots… was it Gimli’s imagination or did they seem redder than before? No, it had to be a trick of the light.  
  
“Your fur, it is much the same colour as Tauriel’s hair,” Legolas said slowly. “I was- I made a mistake.”  
  
That was a very weak excuse, there was no way that the bird could have gotten him confused with Tauriel, unless the girl often shrunk herself and curled up in the hallway; something Gimli thought very unlikely. Or did he mean that the human usually left huge, guinea pig sized tufts of her hair around for Legolas to grab? No, there had to be another reason. Perhaps he had thought to hurt him, but either changed his mind or chickened (no pun intended) out.  
  
Gimli peered suspiciously up at the cockatiel who again ducked behind the curtain.  
  
“Gimli?” Fíli called. “Where are you? I’ve got your food.”  
  
The guinea pig’s ears perked up. Food. That was good news. Throwing one last glance up at the again mostly hidden bird Gimli scampered back out in the hallway.

-  
  
He had been very soft. Even softer than Tauriel’s hair.  
  
  
“I know what you are doing,” Galadriel said softly.  
  
“I’d appreciate it if you minded your own business,” Legolas muttered. “But I won’t hold my breath.”  
  
Celeborn looked reproachfully at him and Legolas flicked his tail feathers in annoyance.  
  
“Are you guys going to start moulting?” Tauriel asked. “You seem very bad tempered, the bunch of you, and you usually are when you’re going to be less pretty for a while.”  
  
All three birds haughtily turned their heads away. Perhaps they _were_ about to start moulting, but it was very rude of her to point it out.  
  
-  
  
Why was Gimli still thinking about how it had felt to have small claws rake through his fur? It wasn’t like the bird could harm him, so why couldn’t he keep his mind from returning to that moment?  
  
-

“Fíli, it’s your turn to cook!” Tauriel called.  
  
“Yeah! Stop mooning about Bofur and get to the kitchen,” Kíli shouted. “I’m hungry.”  
  
“Then bloody well make dinner then,” Fili called back from his room. “I just need to finish this email to Bo- someone.”

“Are you asking him out?” Tauriel questioned. “Because if you’re not I’d rather have food.”  
  
“None of you will starve to death in ten minutes!”  
  
“Ten-.? Are you writing him a _novel_?” Kíli called.  
  
The door to Fíli’s room slammed shut.  
  
“Fucking kindergartener,” Tauriel murmured.  
  
“That’s illegal,” Kíli said brightly.  
  
“So is _murder_ ,” Tauriel said meaningfully.

-

  
Gimli curled up in one corner of his cage and sighed. He jumped a little when someone landed on the roof. Not even seeing that it was Galadriel cheered him up.

“Gimli, you should not be sad,” the white bird said.  
  
“I’m not sad,” the guinea pig protested. “I’m just, just…”  
  
“Sad,” Celeborn said as he too landed on the cage.  
  
“You should not let Legolas’ trouble you,” Galadriel cooed gently. “He is young still, he does not always think before acting.”  
  
Gimli frowned up at the white dove. “You should not speak about him like that, my Lady. He was your friend before I was, so you need to remain true to him.”  
  
-  
  
Legolas just barely stopped himself from whistling in shock. That would have given away his hiding place from on top of the palm tree that stood in a corner of the living room.  
  
He liked sitting in the tree. It felt, nice. But birds were meant for trees, so it was not very surprising. Unlike other things. Like a certain guinea pig.  
  
Gimli really wasn’t like the guinea pigs from the Pet Store. He was different.  
  
This was very annoying. Things would have been much easier if he'd been like them.  
  
-  
  
“You’d name us friends then, Gimli?” Galadriel asked, and Gimli scratched at his ears, feeling a little uncomfortable.  
  
“I _am_ your friend, my Lady. And your husband’s,” he added looking at Celeborn. “But you can of course feel however you want.”  
  
The two doves exchanged a look, so in tune with the other that words were not necessary.  
  
“We are your friends then, Gimli,” Galadriel said, turning back to the guinea pig, who watched in horror as the dove plucked on one of her beautiful feathers until it came lose.  
  
“My Lady, no,” Gimli protested, but Celeborn shook his head.  
  
“It’s all right, it would have dropped on its own soon anyway.” He raised his wing and Gimli could see that the wing looked a little more untidy than it had done just the other day. The guinea pig still winced when the grey dove picked at a small feather and it came lose.  
  
Both the doves managed to press the feathers through the metal roof of Gimli’s cage.  
  
“As a token of your friendship,” Galadriel said, then they both flew away again.  
  
Birds. They were a strange lot. But the feathers were very beautiful.  
  
He would put these with the bright yellow one he had found on the floor before. He had thought about asking Legolas if the bird minded that he keep it; just… not for any particular reason - Gimli just... enjoyed the colour of it, but he rather thought that Legolas would have demanded to have his feather back and… Gimli didn’t want that.  
  
-  
  
Legolas watched how the guinea pick carefully stroked the white feather belonging to Galadriel with his front paw. Then the bird ducked behind one of the big leaves and that made him unable to see much of anything except green. He stayed there, not doing anything,trying not to think, until Tauriel called for him.  
  
By then someone had moved Gimli’s cage.

-  
  
When Fíli took Gimli back to Bofur, Legolas didn't say good-bye.  
  
-

“Why does my guinea pig currently spend a fair bit of time curled up around a small pile of feathers?”  
  
Fíli blinked. “He’s, erm, nesting? I don’t know. Why is he?”  
  
“Would I be asking you if I knew?” Bofur shook his head and leaned back against the couch backrest. “He’s not been the same since he got back from here.” The man looked around. “Your roommate doesn’t have a cat or something? He doesn’t like cats. It wouldn’t explain the feathers, but at least it’d explain the moodiness.”  
  
“No, Tauriel’s just got three birds.” Fíli frowned.” Gimli has feathers?”

-  
  
Legolas little heart sank, silly thing that it was. Apparently Gimli had been even more infatuated with Galadriel and Celeborn than he’d thought. He had to have been if he was doing what his human had just told Fíli.

“Yeah,” Bofur said. “Three of them. He seems especially fond of the yellow one.”

Yellow? Legolas tilted his head. Doves weren’t yellow.  
  
-

“Yellow?” Fíli said, unknowingly echoing the cockatiel’s thoughts. “But the only one who’s yellow is Legolas. He and Gimli did not get along at all. But he seemed to like the doves just fine.”  
  
“I don’t know,” Bofur said, smiling at Fíli. “It doesn’t look like he’s wanting to put the feather in a bird voodoo doll.”  
  
Fíli grinned back at him. “You could bring him here again, if you want. Bring him with you I mean. That is, if when you want to stop by.”  
  
“Bofur?” Tauriel called from her room.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Fíli would like to go on a date with you, what do you say?”  
  
“Or maybe you don’t want to ever come back,” Fíli said, mortified. “That’s cool.”  
  
“Do you?” Bofur asked, looking a little confused. “D’ya want to go out with me?”  
  
“I-“ Fíli hesitated. “Not if you think it’s weird, then Tauriel is just full of shit. She often is, literally, comes with being a bird owner.”  
  
“He also thinks that your moustache is really cute!”  
  
“Being dead on the other hand,” Fíli muttered darkly. “That’s just something that can be made available as a bonus.”  
  
The blond was just about to suffocate himself with a pillow (Kíli could avenge his death and at least _try_ and kill Tauriel, damn her for having gone to classes in Tae Kwon Do) when Bofur took his hand.  
  
“I’d like to go out with you, “ he said. “If you want to.”  
  
“I do,” Fíli said, a little shocked.  
  
“I now pronounce you idiot and moron,” Tauriel called. “Because really Bofur, you should have seen this coming.”  
  
“I just need to kill my roommate first, is that cool?”  
  
-  
  
Legolas wondered if this meant that Gimli would be visiting again. And what it meant that he had one of his feathers. And if he could wait to come until the moulting had stopped, because Legolas felt like a feather duster at the moment and that just wouldn’t do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This’ll probably have a second bit, where they meet again.  
> Would anyone be interested? *bats eyelashes*
> 
> Um, and disclaimer, I know nothing about birds and guinea pigs. Bye!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though the babies are not _that_ big yet.

Thorin gently put a paw on top of Bilbo’s head when the hamster tried to get up. “Hold still, I’m not done.”  
  
“Thorin, if I let you keep this up until you considered my fur being ‘done’, I’d have to spend the rest of my life lying here.”

“You have. Very stubborn fur,” Thorin said between drags of his tongue against Bilbo’s back. “It takes time. To get it. Into. Proper order.” The cat stopped licking and rubbed his cheek against Bilbo’s side. “But somehow I don’t find the stubbornness very surprising.”  
  
“No, I guess it does spend an awful lot of time with you,” Bilbo said and sighed, relaxing into the carpet.  
  
“Very-“ lick. “Funny.”  
  
-

“Seriously,” Kíli said. “Don’t you get the least bit worried when he does that?”  
  
Ori looked away from the TV where he was kicking Kíli’s ass in Mario Kart. “When who does what? Oh _crap_ ,” Ori added when he crashed into a fence. “Stop distracting me.”  
  
“You’re already winning,” Kíli complained. “Donkey Kong totally screwed me over before. It’s like he _knows_ I think he’s annoying.”  
  
“Yes, I totally do think the programmers thought of you when they made this.”  
  
“Of course they did,” Kíli said and fluttered his eyelashes. Ori… did not find that charming. Oh damn, he totally did.  
  
“I was talking about Thorin by the way,” Kíli continued. “He’s been licking Bilbo’s fur for so long that I’m starting to think he wants to find out of many licks to get to the centre of him.”

Ori snorted. “I'd be more worried if he stopped. I don't want the babies to grow up in a broken home.”  
  
-  
  
Pippin looked up at the ceiling. “Does a broken home have cracks in the ceiling? And what does that have to do with our daddies?”  
  
“Don’t worry, Pip,” Merry said and nudged his brother. “We’ll explain when you’re older.”  
  
“You’re only three minutes older than me,” Pippin sulked. “I _hate_ being the youngest.” Then he perked up. “But at least Frodo’s smaller."

-  
  
“Still, having one of your parents E. A. T. the other is not even a subject Jeremy Kyle would touch,” Kíli said as he put the controller down. “I give up! You win. Donkey Kong. Bah and humbug. Why the bloody hell do they even allow him and Bowser to join in? They’re like the bad guys.”  
  
“Donkey Kong isn’t a bad guy,” Ori protested. “He had his own game. He’s reformed from his lady stealing ways. He’s wearing a tie and everything. And are you spelling things so that my pets won't understand you?”  
  
“Dude, if you think that wearing a tie is the sign of a nice guy, you’re going to be so very disappointed in life.” Kíli said, ignoring Ori's last comment. Then he looked a little worried. “You don’t, do you, because _seriously_. That’s a bad idea.”  
  
“You make it sound like everyone who wears a tie is instantly corrupted by it,” the corner of Ori's mouth twitched. “Ties aren’t _evil_.”  
  
-  
  
Kíli the second and Frodo were tangled up in a dark, furry little lump in the opposite corner of the couch from where Ori and Kíli were sitting.  
  
“Dads, what does ‘evil’ mean?” Frodo asked, looking over at Bilbo and Thorin.  
  
The pair froze as their son’s question sank in. Well, Thorin froze. What Bilbo did was more like just stiffened, because he hadn’t been moving to begin with.  
  
-  
  
“Ties are _maybe_ not evil,” Kíli said. “But they’re totally part of the problem. They serve no function except as to serve as a possible noose and or object to strangle someone with.”  
  
-  
  
“What’s a noose?” Kíli the second asked.  
  
-  
  
“ _This_ is not the difficult talk I was dreading to have to give,” Thorin muttered. “But it is bad enough.”  
  
“ _Shhh_ ,” Bilbo whispered. “Don’t even mention the other one.”  
  
“If you hold on to my fur we can make a break for it,” Thorin suggested.  
  
-  
  
“So if I see you wearing a tie I should what, run for my life?”  
  
Kíli shot Ori a hurt look. “I would never hurt _you_.”  
  
“Ah-“ Ori rubbed the back of his neck. “Thank you? I think that’s sweet, but I’m also kind of nervous about the emphasis on that last word.”

 “I’d totally hurt Donkey Kong,” Kíli muttered and nudged the controller with a socking clad toe.  
  
-  
  
“I thought donkeys were like horses,” Durin said, making all four of his sibling blink. “But that’s a monkey, isn’t it?” he added, nodding at the screen.  
  
“Ape, dear,” Bilbo said.  
  
“What’s an ape?”

“They’re both primates,” Bilbo explained. “Like how hamsters and rats are both rodents.”  
  
“My children are _not_ rats,” Thorin sniffed.  
  
“Darling, I never said they were.” Bilbo poked him in the side. “Unless you think _I’m_ a rat.”  
  
“ _Never_ ,” Thorin grumbled.  
  
“Good,” Bilbo said. He lowered his voice. “And unless you want to get back on the previous subject we’d both rather avoid, might I suggest we leave the current topic of why you don’t want us to be rats?”  
  
Thorin grumbled some more but kept his mouth shut.  
  
“How do you know so much, daddy?” Frodo asked and Bilbo chuckled. A little from relief, because it seemed that he and Thorin were rapidly heading away from having to explain certain things to their children which you _never_ wanted to explain.  
  
“Ori used to bring me with him to his work sometimes, when he was still working at the museum. We both liked the zoology section. But he always took too long in the rooms where all the stones and rocks were.”  
  
-  
  
“Are you staying for dinner?” Ori asked, getting to his feet and stretching his arms above his head. If his eyes hadn’t slipped closed when he yawned he would have noticed Kíli’s eyes slipping down when Ori’s shirt rode up to reveal a patch of pale skin.  
  
“Can I?” Kíli asked. “Tauriel is still studying and Fíli and Bofur had _plans_.”  
  
Ori grinned crookedly. “You need to let me meet this Bofur soon. And of course you can stay.”  
  
“Maybe he can bring his guinea pig over for a play date? Bilbo could use some company of the non-cat variety.”  
  
From his spot on the rug Thorin meowed. It sounded protesting.  
  
“Dude, your cat…” Kíli shook his head. “I don’t even know.”  
  
-  
  
The silence coming from Frodo was much to contemplative for Bilbo’s taste.  
  
“Frodo,” he said warningly. “You’re not going to the museum.”  
  
The silence turned guilty and Kíli (the furry one. The _small_ furry one) bonked him on the head with one paw. “Yeah, you’re not doing that to us again. Not unless I get to come,” he added in a whisper.  
  
“I heard that,” Durin murmured.  
  
“So did I,” Thorin growled.  
  
“Can we come too?” Merry and Pippin chorused.  
  
“NO.” Bilbo and Thorin said.  
  
“Unfair,” Merry complained. “Why do they get to go but we don’t?”  
  
“No one is going,” Bilbo said sternly. “Not unless they’re looking to give me a heart attack. There’re _mouse traps_ at the museum. It’s not a place for you to go alone.”  
  
“But we’re hamsters? Not mouses.” Pippin said.  
  
“Mice,” Durin said.  
  
“Not that either,” Pippin nodded.  
  
-  
  
Kíli scooped Frodo and Mini-Kíli off the couch and into his lap. The pair didn’t seem overly bothered by this and remained curled up together.  
  
“Hey guys, wow, you’re getting so big.” He paused. “Well, my namesake is anyway. Sorry about that, Frodo.”  
  
-  
  
“Not the smallest!” Pippin cheered quietly.  
  
-  
  
Kíli stroked his index finger along Frodo’s silky soft fur. After a while, the little creature started vibrating.  
  
“Hey, I didn’t know they could purr!” Kíli told Ori.  
  
“Hamsters can’t purr,” Ori said, rubbing at his head. He glanced towards Thorin; the cat looked smug. “So, your previous owner was a witch, yes? And Gandalf just forgot to tell me about it. That would explain.. _some_ of it.”  
  
-  
  
“What’s a witch?” Merry asked.  
  
“Maybe if we let them watch Harry Potter, just the first film, that would solve most of our problems,” Bilbo mused.  
  
“They’ll get nightmares,” Thorin said with a frown.

“You just don’t like the Malfoys,” Bilbo said and curled closer to Thorin’s belly. “I’d say that I don’t blame you, but you complain more about their _hair_ than about the things they do.”  
  
“Something about them…” Thorin muttered. “They look very untrustworthy. Pale. And blond and-“  
  
“They _are_ untrustworthy,” Bilbo murmured. “But it’s hardly to do with their hair. He paused. “Dumbledore’s beard on the other hand, that’s rather nice isn’t it?”  
  
Thorin glowered.  
  
 -  
  
“Gandalf kinda looks like a wizard,” Kíli pointed out. “He just needs the pointy hat. So you have my vote regarding the magic thing.”  
  
“I don’t know, I can’t see him holding a wand.”  
  
-  
  
Later that evening, after dinner and further avoidance of certain subjects and having to point out to Ori that Merry and Pippin had gotten themselves stuck inside a closet, Thorin and Bilbo curled up on the couch, their children scattered around them.  
  
“It wouldn’t matter if you _were_ rats,” Thorin said softly, curling his tail around a softly snuffling Durin and a snoring Kíli. “I’d still love you.”  
  
“That’s nice, darling,” Bilbo said, already half-asleep. “We love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, I think there'll be more Gimli/Legolas.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fact that Fíli and Bofur are now dating makes things... interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few scenes connected to the changes Bofur's presence brings into everyone's life. Have I mentioned that this series is full of crack?
> 
> Also, read this: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1041703  
> If you like this story even a little, you've got to read that.

“And then Bofur said-“  
  
“Do I talk that way about Ori?” Kíli asked Tauriel after Fíli had managed to mention Bofur’s name 20 times in about as many seconds. Something like that anyway. The red-head nodded.  
  
“Damn, maybe I really should just ask him out then.”  
  
“Promise that it’ll not make things worse?” Tauriel said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“Can it be worse than that?” Kíli said, nodding towards his brother.  
  
“I’m in the room you know,” Fíli scowled.  
  
“Fair point,” Tauriel admitted. “But I still support it, because it makes Legolas happy.”  
  
“Your bird is so weird,” Kíli grinned. “And I still don’t see why you got to be the designated guinea pig sitter when Fíli drags Bofur, poor Bofur, on dates, anyway. Because-“

“Can anyone hear me? Hello?”  Fíli ask, waving his hands in front of Kíli’s and Tauriel’s faces.  
  
“-I’m clearly a better role model.”  
  
“Small and furry?” Tauriel arched an eyebrow. “Well, I see why Gimli would look up to you.”  
  
“See, that’s what I mean,” Kíli complained. “You and your birds are setting a bad example for him. Soon he’ll start to chirp and then Bofur is going to dump Fíli for turning his pet into a freak of nature and then we’ll _all_ be miserable. Your bird most of all.”  
  
“I’m going to get a sandwich,” Fíli sighed.  
  
“Get me one too?”  
  
“So _that_ you heard,” Fíli said, glaring at his brother.  
  
-

  
“Didn’t I tell you that Tauriel would make a good _wing_ man?” Fíli said, slapping Kíli’s shoulder.  
  
The date was over and Bofur was coming to collect his guinea pig, who –to Tauriel’s screechy little bird’s eternal pleasure – didn’t like being left alone for hours on end and as such had to be watched by someone. That someone was supposed to be Tauriel, because she was almost always home on account on almost always studying, but it was really Legolas who had decided to keep Gimli company.  
  
“That’s such a bad joke,” Kíli groaned, and on the rug Legolas spread one wing over Gimli’s furry little back. “Really.”  
  
Kíli was pretty sure that birds shouldn’t enjoy cuddling with guinea pigs, or vice versa, but then again, Ori was the proud owner to five cathamsters (when Kíli reminded him of this it always brought out the cutest wrinkle in his forehead) so yeah. The buzzing portion of the birds and the bees clearly needed to leave room for the guinea pigs. Or maybe it was just because it was spring. Did guinea pigs and cockatiels go into heat? A heat that just made them want to cuddle each other endlessly and probably whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears? Did he even want to know? Probably not.  
  
When Bofur picked Gimli up Legolas chirped something sad sounding.  
  
“Did I tell you why hummingbirds hum?” Kíli asked.  
  
“Huh?” Fíli turned to look at him.  
  
“Because they don’t know the words.” He grinned unrepentantly when Fíli tried to smack the back of his head. “Now we’re even on the scale of bad jokes.”  
  
“Mine’s true though,” Fíli protested.  
  
“Don’t worry,” Bofur was telling the little white bird who now flapped his wings and flew up to perch on Bofur’s arm, peering down at the guinea pig in his hands. “I’m sure he’ll come back soon enough to visit you. Right, Fíli?” The grin Bofur gave his brother made Kíli pretend to retch.  
  
-  
  
“You’re really disgustingly cute,” Kíli informed the bird and the guinea pig who again was making an attempt to make stones weep what with the tragedy of having to be parted yet again as Bofur came to collect Gimli. “Seriously, the two of you need to move in together,” he added to Fíli.  
  
“What would that solve?” his brother asked. “It’s not like Legolas is my bird.”  
  
“Then Bofur needs to move in here,” Kíli stated. “Just look at them, they’re Romeo and Juliaing all over the rug. It’s so sad!”  
  
When Bofur put Gimli back in his cage the guinea pig sighed morosely and the cockatiel flew up to perch on top of it.  
  
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Fíli told Bofur. “But your stuff will not fit over here.”  
  
“You don’t say,” Bofur mused, looking around at the fairly cluttered living room.    
  
“Hey I know,” Fíli said and snapped his fingers. “You move out, then Bofur can move in.”  
  
“Fíli,” Kíli said and affected an injured expression. “You’re going to throw out your only brother? Put me out on the streets?”  
  
“Or you could just _finally_ ask Ori out and then move in with him.”  
  
-  
  
Fíli was sleeping, or close to it, on the couch when someone threw open their front door and burst into the flat. Seeing that it was just his brother and not a burglar, Fíli let his eyes slide shut again. On the living room rug, Gimli and Legolas followed his example (Bofur had to work late and had asked Fíli if it would be okay for him to drop Gimli off for a few hours. During that phone call Legolas had been perched on Fíli’s head. He had placed himself there as soon as the phone rang. Was it possible for birds to be psychic? And if so, how did one go about to getting the winning lottery numbers out of them?)  
  
“I’ve finally asked Ori out!” Kíli shouted.     
  
“I take it he said no,” Fíli mumbled.  
  
“Oh my dearest brother,” Kíli grinned. “Even _you_ are amusing on such a fine day as this.”  
  
“So when are you moving?”  
  
“Okay, almost amusing.”  
  
Somewhere else in the apartment, Tauriel’s door banged shut.  
  
“She still got finals?” Fíli asked sleepily.  
  
“Maybe she’s jealous that her bird has found a new red-head,” Kíli suggested as Legolas rubbed his beak on top of Gimli’s head. “A younger model too I assume. Though I think Tauriel would look better in a bikini.”  
  
“I HEARD THAT.”

“DO YOU DENY IT?”

-

Thorin hissed at Bofur who instinctively pulled Bilbo a little closer to his chest. This did nothing to stop the hissing. Instead Thorin began to growl low in his throat.

"Maybe you smell like guinea pig?” Fíli suggested. "Even if Thorin thinks Bilbo is the best thing since cat nip that doesn’t mean he has to think all small and fluffy things are awesome. He's still a cat.”  
  
“I think you should put him down,” Ori said warily. “Thorin, put those claws away, we wouldn’t want Bofur to drop Bilbo, would we?”  
  
If a cat could grumble, that was exactly what Thorin was doing.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Ori said, wringing his hands together. “Don’t take it personally, Thorin doesn’t really like a lot of people.”

Bofur shrugged and carefully put the little hamster down on the floor. “It’s okay, bit of a shame, Bilbo and I seemed to be getting along just fine.”  
  
Thorin growled again, wrapping his tail around Bilbo.  
  
-  
  
Kíli stared down at the eggs. Eggs. EGGS. Tiny smooth things that shouldn’t really exist. Well, not these eggs anyway.  
  
“So, whatever Bilbo and Thorin has got, it seems to be infectious?” Kíli said to no one in particular.  
  
From the little nest they’d made out of one of Tauriel’s shirts and other assorted junk (Tauriel couldn’t read his thoughts, he was free to think what he wanted about her stuff, at least for now, until she acquired telepathic powers…) the proud parents (?) (!!!) Legolas and Gimli peered up at him.  
  
“Okay,” Kíli said slowly. “I don’t even want to know whose arse these came out of.”  
  
Considering that the cathamsters looked mostly like hamsters, even if their fur was a bit strange and most of them were a fair bit bigger than they should be, would these look more like Gimli or Legolas? And what would they be called? Guineatiels? Cockapigs? Probably not the last one… That sounded like it belonged in a category of things that Kíli did not want to know about.  
  
-  
  
“I’m getting the idea that birds have been doing it wrong up until now,” Tauriel said as she watched Gimli carefully stretch himself out over the four eggs to keep them warm . “No offence to you, Legolas, but your feathery little rear-end is much too small to manage that.”

From the doves’ cage came the sound of amused cooing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, someone who can draw, draw this series. I beg you. I bribe you. (well, I will if you let me know what I can bribe you with)


	7. Eggstraordinary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like this needs a summary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I had questions before, why Gimli talks as he does. It’s because Bofur leaves the telly on for extra company, and Bofur likes Shakespeare and costume dramas and such. We should be happy he doesn’t leave the shopping channel on, yeah.

“Well,” Bofur said. “It’s not something I thought would happen, but congratulations.”

Gimli leaned into his hand and Bofur chuckled and softly stroked two fingers along his back, careful not to disturb the guinea pig as he was still lying on the eggs. “So, blonds eh? Have to say I’m partial to them myself.”  
  
Fíli’s arms wrapped around Bofur’s waist and peeked out over Bofur’s shoulder. “I don’t crap everywhere though.”  
  
“No, you just _leave_ your crap everywhere,” Kíli complained as he shoved a pile of clothes down from the couch and sat down.  
  
“Hey I just washed those.”  
  
“No you _just_ left them on the couch.”  
  
“Why the hell are you so grumpy?”  
  
Low muttering could be heard from the couch, well, from Kíli; now lying _on_ the couch with a pillow over his head, and this was fortunate. While Fíli had learnt to accept a lot of strange things, talking couches would be pushing it. Especially since it would probably only _start_ with talking and then the bloody thing would also be having biologically impossible babies all over the place. Probably with the ceiling fan or something.  
  
“We can’t hear your through the clouds of gloom and doom that are beginning to gather around you,” Fíli pointed out to his brother. “I’m guessing it’s Ori related though. What did you do?”  
  
“Why do you think I did something?”  
  
“Do you really want me to answer that?”  
  
There was a brief silence. “Ori might have found out that mini-me likes to sit on my head.”  
  
“Did he find the photos?” Bofur asked, and Kíli lifted the pillow long enough to glare at Fíli.  
  
“You weren’t supposed to show those to _anyone_. Bofur is in that category of people regardless of what you do with your pants off. But no, that wasn’t it. He might have… walked in on us. With Kíli the second chilling on my head.”  
  
Fíli snorted. “Normally when people say that sentence _'walked in on us'_ it’s about cheating, for you, it’s about hamsters. That’s… I don’t even know what that is.”  
  
Legolas chirped, and Bofur nodded. “What he said.”  
  
-

“I hope they’ll look like you,” Legolas said quietly to Gimli. The guinea pig turned his head to look at his bird, careful not to move anything else lest he jostle the eggs.  
  
“Do you not wish them to be more like you? With the gift to fly and sing?”  
  
Legolas shook his feathery little head. “No, I think they would be better suited to be more like you. Which your rich fur and sweet face.”  
  
Gimli chuckled and rubbed his cheek against the feathers on Legolas breast. “Perhaps they shall be the best of us both.”

 “Why am I getting the feeling that you two are conspiring,” Tauriel asked with narrow eyes.

 “Ach,” Gimli protested. “My lady, I fear that you are mistaken.”  
  
Tauriel didn't understand, but she did look a little less suspicious and Legolas tried his best to look innocent. But the idea of furry little Gimlis with white wings… that was indeed a lovely one.  
  
-

“By the way, are we _sure_ it’s just not Galadriel’s eggs?” Kíli asked.  “Out of everyone in the flat, I think she would be the prime suspect. Unless Tauriel is keeping something from us about the mating habits of the bookworm.”  
  
“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Fíli grinned. “Or she’ll kill you in your sleep.”  
  
“To be honest, I think she can also kill me when I’m not asleep,” Kíli whispered to Ori.  
  
Perhaps he could use this as an argument to live with Ori. Because the more Kíli thought about Fíli’s suggestion that he’d move out, the more Kíli actually felt like it would actually be a wonderful idea. That was, as long as he could move in with Ori.  
  
He could wake up with Ori every morning. He could go to sleep with him every night. He could get away from his brother’s dirty socks. This was an incredible idea!  
  
They were actually at Ori’s place at the moment, because over at their place Bofur and Tauriel were busy bonding over the fact that they were going to become grandparents and everyone else (that being Fíli and Kíli) had thought it best to leave them too it.  
  
Bofur and Tauriel liked each other well enough, but they didn’t have a lot of things in common, so they could use the time together to fuss over their respective pets. And the eggs.  
  
Bofur in particular needed some pet-time. Gimli had moved in with them to be there for Legolas and the Eggs, and as it turned out it wasn’t just guinea pigs that shouldn’t be left alone. Bofur was pretty damned miserable without his furry little companion around.  
  
Considering that Kíli thought it unlikely that Gimli and Legolas would allow themselves, or their eggs, to be separated, either Tauriel or Bofur would have to give up their pet. Or… Bofur could just move in with them. It all came back to him moving in with Ori didn’t it.  

“Anyway, the eggs are not big enough.” Fíli said, holding up his hand and showing a tiny space between his thumb and index finger. They weren’t _that_ small, not that Kíli had any clue how big dove eggs were supposed to be anyway.  
  
“So small dove eggs are less likely than a guinea pig having something to do with them?” Ori mused. “I’m not sure that is a valid argument.”  
  
“Says the owner of cathamsters.”  
  
Ori’s eye twitched. “They’re perfectly ordinary hamster pups.”  
  
Kíli rubbed his thumb over his name sake’s head. Mini-Kíli responded by purring and squirming down deeper into his lap. Out in the hallway Thorin was teaching Durin and Frodo to hunt dust bunnies.

“Yeah, nothing strange going on here what so ever.”

 Merry and Pippin trotted through the living room, continuing into the kitchen, followed by Bilbo who squeaked something annoyed-sounding at his two youngest as he scurried after them.  
  
“Wanna bet how long it’ll be before they’re stuck somewhere?” Fíli asked.  
  
“You mean the perfectly ordinary hamsters?” Kíli said innocently and patted Ori comfortingly on his back when the smaller man groaned and rubbed at his forehead.  
  
If his hand lingered on Ori’s back… well, perhaps it had always done so, but he was _allowed_ now that they were actually dating. Dating was awesome. Living together would also be awesome, right?  
  
Mini-Kíli purred louder. 

-

“Hey there’s a bird called guineafowl.” Fíli thumbed at his phone. “Doesn’t really look anything like the happy parents to be though.”  
  
“Let me see,” Kíli demanded, reaching out a hand for Fíli’s phone.”Well, they’ve kinda got the Mohawk. But they’re all spotty? And why are they blue?”  
  
“Why’s anything anything, I don’t know.”  
  
“Aren’t animals supposed to have camouflage and shit?” Kíli asked, giving the phone back to Fíli. “These things can maybe pretend to be a pillow, but I’m not sure how convincing that’s going to be out in the wild.”  
  
-  
  
“Do you think we should name them?” Gimli asked.  
  
“Best if we let Bofur and Tauriel help,” Legolas suggested. “Otherwise things might be very confusing for the little ones. And they’ll want to wait until they’re hatched.”  
  
“Aye,” Gimli nodded. “Fair point. But I think the large one looks a bit like a Bergi.”  
  
-  
  
“Aren’t you done yet?” Kíli asked Gimli as the guinea pig smoothed himself out over the eggs for the billionth time.  
  
“It can take up to three weeks,” Tauriel said without looking up from her laptop. “And that’s for normal cockatiel eggs.”  
  
“Hey, you didn’t yell at me,” Kíli noted. “Finals over?”  
  
“Yup.”  
  
“How did it go?”  
  
Tauriel shot him an unimpressed look. “I’m not psychic, how should I know.”  
  
“So you didn’t sleep with any teachers to get better grades?” It had just been a joke, but to Kíli’s eternal surprise and glee, Tauriel _blushed_. “You _did_?”  
  
“No!” Tauriel protested. “Of course I didn’t.”  
  
“But you wanted to.” Kíli grinned. “Come on, who is it. I’m not going to tell anyone.”  
  
“No you’re not,” Tauriel said and pursed her lips. “Because you’ll never know.”  
  
Kíli looked at the cockatiel and guinea pig. “Come on, guys, help me out here. Give me some dirt on her.”  
  
Gimli did that weird wheeking sound that seemed to mean that he was happy. Tauriel’s lips twitched. “Even the guinea pig is laughing at you.”  
  
-  
  
“GUYS IT’S HAPPENING!”  
  
Tauriel’s voice broke the silence in the darkened flat, almost making Bofur and Fíli tumble off the couch where they’d been half-sleeping. Hair a mess, Kíli stumbled out of his room and into the living room. Together the three of them sped into Tauriel’s room where she had been keeping an eye on the four eggs and their parents.  
  
They’d seen the first crack in one of the eggs about three hours ago, and then nothing had happened. Followed by some more nothing. And when that turned into even more of the same, they’d given up and more or less (see: couch) gone to bed.  
  
Not Tauriel though.  
  
When they entered her room they found the red-head bent over the nest resting on her desk. Gimli was standing just to the side of it, looking anxiously down onto the eggs, and Legolas was standing on _him_ , hopping from foot to foot. Over in their cage the two doves cooed excitedly.  __  
  
“They’re hatching!” Tauriel’s grin was wide and sweet and she looked about 12 years old all of a sudden. “And guess what? I can totally hear chirping.”  
  
“So they’re gonna be birds?” Kíli stumbled over to the desk chair and slouched down on it. He softly poked Gimli in the side. “Well, as long as you’re not chirping, am I right?”  
  
The guinea pig ignored him, Legolas on the other hand, tried to pick at Kíli’s finger. “Fine, my apologies. Chirping is officially cool.” __  
  
When the eggs finally hatched (which took another twenty minutes and Kíli almost falling asleep again) Gimli’s and Legolas’ children were revealed to look like normal guinea pigs, only tiny.  
  
However, the combination of ‘hatch’ and ‘guinea pigs’ was enough to explain why no one really expected that to be the end of it. And that’s even disregarding the chirping.  
  
“Congratulations granny!” Fíli cheered and pressed a kiss to the top of Tauriel’s head. “It’s bloody lucky your finals are done, because going by what Ori’s told us, feeding little furballs takes a lot of time.”  
  
“This is why there’s usually a _female_ involved,” Kíli said and nodded sagely, realising only belatedly that he’d kinda made it sound like Tauriel wasn’t a girl. Thankfully, she chose to ignore at least that aspect of it.  
  
Tauriel raised an eyebrow. “Are you being homophobic?”  
  
“What? No!” Kíli scowled. “I’m in love with Ori, how the hell can I be homophobic? I’m just saying that if Gimli was a girl, he could feed the fuzzy fruits of his loins himself.”  
  
“Bigot,” Tauriel said and stuck her tongue out.  
  
“Bofur, do something. Bofur?”  
  
Bofur was currently a little busy grinning down at the four tiny balls of mostly dry fluff cuddled up against Gimli and Legolas. And his eyes looked suspiciously wet.  
  
“They’re lovely,” he said a little huskily and Fíli slung an arm over his shoulder.  
  
“Yeah, they are. Have you two come up with any names yet?”  
  
“Not yet,” Tauriel replied. “Besides, we don’t know if they’re boys or girls.”  
  
“Who is a bigot now,” Kíli grumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY I'M NOT SORRY (Tolkien is probably getting high on this crack from beyond the grave)
> 
> Also, I'm sorry I'm evil and didn't tell you the names >:) (or am I?)  
> I've already decided though, and it won't be OCs that much I can reveal ;)


	8. Guineatiels, Away!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See title, guess what chapter is about, I dare you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blah, reposting because something was screwy with my first attempt. 
> 
> Anyway!  
> Peeps! Below there be awesome art by [notanightlight](../../../users/notanightlight)  
> [Link](http://notanightlight.tumblr.com/post/67087283649/guinea-hearts-birdie)
> 
>  
> 
> [Link](http://notanightlight.tumblr.com/post/67090655420/thoughts-of-the-hatchlings)

“You’ve done so very well, my love,” Legolas crooned to Gimli as their children cuddled close to them in their nest. (Which had been moved into Gimli’s cage as no one wanted one of the little ones to take a tumble down from the desk.) "Keeping them all warm and healthy."  
  
“It was not I who did the hardest part,” Gimli said and pressed a little closer to him.  
  
“I’m trying to forget that bit,” Legolas murmured with a slight wince, not to mention a twinge in his neither regions. “Though I do not regret it for one single moment.”  
  
Right now all of their young were sleeping. It had come as somewhat of a surprise to Legolas that only a short time after breaking free of their eggs, all four hatchlings had been able to toddle around and explore, not to mention ask all sorts of questions.  
  
“Are you our daddies?”  
  
“Will we also get wings?”  
  
“Can I fly?”  
  
Yes, that Tauriel and Bofur had moved them to Gimli’s cage seemed a very wise decision indeed. Despite that their children seemed much more robust and mature than any chick Legolas had ever seen, he was not keen of having them fall off the desk anytime soon. Unless they _did_ end up growing wings, because then they would need to practice flying.  
  
-  
  
“Fine, we’re agreed on Aragorn, Boromir and Haldir for the boys,” Tauriel said, crossing her arms over her chest. “But why do you want to name one after me?”  
  
“She’s the exact colour of your hair,” Bofur grinned. “And she’s the only girl. Of course we have to name her after you.”

All four guinea piglets, or as Kíli was calling them; guineatiels, were absolutely adorable. At least if you asked Bofur, but even though he was arguable biased, it was hard to argue against the four little chirping fuzzballs.  
  
Haldir clearly took after Legolas, being almost completely white; only accented by a few tufts of grey and cream fur, and a yellow streak running from the top of his head all along his back. The only female of the bunch, Tauriel (because Bofur _was_ going to convince Tauriel that this needed to be her name) was, of course, reddish in colour, a little brighter shade than Gimli’s.  
  
Aragorn and Boromir were both in shades of brown, Boromir’s being a little more to the light and reddish end of the spectrum and Aragorn towards the darker. Bofur figured that probably came from Gimli’s part of the family.

“So basically you’re saying that my name is the only girl’s name that you know,” Tauriel said drily.  
  
“Nooo,” Bofur protested. “But she does look like you.” And she did boss her siblings around an awful lot, but he was not fool enough to point that out. “Shall we ask the parents maybe.”  
  
Bofur turned towards their pets and nodded seriously at them. Gimli and Legolas were already watching them with focused expressions, at least until one of the piglets did something that demanded their attention.  
  
“How about it, guys: Tauriel, yay or nay?”  
  
What they got was Legolas giving Gimli a besotted look as Aragorn had climbed up on Gimli’s head to pretend to be the world’s smallest fur hat. He was rather a quiet one, Aragorn. Tauriel and Haldir were the ones who eeked and chirped the most, seeming to take great joy from observing the world around them and running back to their parents to tell them all about it, while Boromir and Aragorn stuck a little closer to home. Boromir would 'talk' at you at a great lenght though, once he got going.  
  
“I’m going to take that as approval,” Bofur informed Tauriel. “Since it was a positive emotion.”  
  
“Fine,” she replied with a sigh. “Why not. Clearly nothing seems to be connected by logic here anyway. These four are proof enough of that.”  
  
On cue, Haldir chirped and did a flapping motion with his two front paws, which of course only ended with him falling flat on his furry little face.  
  
-  
  
“ _Tauriel_!” Kíli grinned. “This is so great. Now you’ve also got a mini-me. I mean mini-you.”  
  
Tauriel sighed. Then she frowned, because… no… she had to had been mistaken. The red guinea pig that Kíli held hadn’t just sighed as well.  
  
-  
  
The older the guineatiels got the clearer it was that they weren’t exactly your run of the mill guinea pigs, no matter what they looked like at first glance.  
  
No one actually got wings, even if Kíli hadn’t given up hope yet. But all four of them chirped as much as they made any ‘normal’ guinea pig sounds, and Tauriel and Haldir both ended up with little tufts of fur sticking up on their heads rather reminiscent of Legolas’ crest. And if that was not enough their fur was also longer on the sides and back, giving the impression of wings and tail feathers even if that was not actually the case.  
  
Then there was the climbing.  
  
As far as anyone could see, all four little guineatiels had perfectly normal paws, normal for a guinea pig that was. But something strange was definitely going on, because more often than not you could find one or more of them clinging to the sides of the cage, about half-way up towards the roof of it.  
  
Guinea pigs were _not_ that good climbers, but a bird’s feet were much more adapted to that kind of thing. Which still didn’t explain how they did it seeing as they seemed to have Gimli’s paws and not Legolas' claws.

Once they’d found Aragorn hanging from the roof of the cage like a very fluffy, very strange-looking bat, trying to inch his way along to the hole in the roof that’d been left open so Legolas could make his way in and out.  
  
If Tauriel hadn’t heard Gimli’s and Legolas loud protests over what their son was doing, it was possible he would have succeeded.  
  
After that the cage was moved to the floor, on top of several soft blankets, and the entire flat was made guineatiel proof, just in case.

And then there were the way Boromir kept tipping over in his sleep, because he often fell asleep still standing, and then whilst sleeping he pulled one or more feet up against his belly, which really wasn’t doing any favours for his balance.  
  
The important thing though, was that they  were all happy and healthy.  
  
-  
  
“Imagine how cool it would be if they did get wings though,” Kíli sighed as he ran his fingers through the fur on Aragorn’s sides.  
  
“They couldn’t use them anyway,” Tauriel told him. “They don’t have the muscles for it. And they’re too heavy for hang-gliding.”  
  
All four guineatiels had quickly grown from their tiny starting size to something much closer to Gimli’s. And feeding them hadn’t been nearly as hassling as everyone had dreaded as none of them protested being picked up and fed with a bottle, and also since they could start eating solids after only a few weeks.

Bofur and Fíli had had their first real fight after the blond gave the little ones some bird seeds, mostly as a joke, and there had been quite a bit of shouting about choking hazards and reckless endangerment before Bofur had calmed down enough for Fíli to apologize and promise to never do it again. (Meanwhile Tauriel, ever the practical one, had cleaned the cage of any remaining seeds.)  
  
“It would still be cool though,” Kíli said. “Them swooping down from above.” In his hand, Aragorn wheeked in approval.

-  
  
“Father, do you have to breathe so loudly, I’m trying to sleep,” Haldir said to Gimli who huffed in annoyance and motioned him along towards where Legolas was sitting.  
  
“Go and ask for a lullaby then. Not a word out of you,” he added when his bird squawked in amusement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, and (especially if) you've got tumblr, remember to go and give some love to notanightlight. I go: AWWWW every time I see those pictures.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is as traumatic as this verse gets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To understand this chapter you’ve got to read
> 
> [Honey, We Forgot Something](../../1041703)
> 
> by diemarysues first. Or just know how both our minds work. But I think reading is easier.
> 
> It's a slight skip in time, up to the point where Kíli and Ori now do live together, but yeah, I think we all know it's not going to take a lot for them to get there.

“I think he has separation anxiety,”  Kíli said to Ori, turning away from the box they were unpacking towards where Bilbo and Thorin were curled up together on their couch.  
  
Which was still Ori’s old couch, but Ori’s old couch in their new flat which made it _their_ couch. As in his and Kíli's. (No, Ori was entirely calm about finally getting to live with Kíli. Really. (!)) 

“Well, we did forget him,” Ori said, some of his good mood falling away as he too looked over at his pets. Ori still felt terrible about somehow forgetting Bilbo when they’d moved the last of his stuff. Fine, the mitten had looked a lot like Bilbo and what had it been doing in the cage anyway? But still. He did feel like such a knob over the entire thing. 

“No, I mean Thorin,” Kíli clarified. 

Ori blinked and turned back towards his pets again. Which to the untrained eye would only be Thorin, because it took some practice to make out the curls of lighter coloured fur resting against Thorin’s front. Kíli might have a point… Ever since they’d got Bilbo back where he belonged, Thorin hadn’t really moved more than a feet from the hamster.  
  
It _could_ be because Merry and Pippin hadn’t been allowed to explore yet, and as such; Thorin hadn’t been forced to try and get them down (or get Ori so he could get them down) from whatever weird place that they’d managed to get stuck in, but still, it wasn't exactly normal behaviour….  
  
“Can cats have PTSD?” Ori mused, straightening up.

“Can male hamsters have babies? I mean, with a cat? A male cat.”

Ori snorted and shoved his shoulder into Kíli’s. “I thought we were not going to talk about that anymore.”

“I can’t live in denial!” Kíli protested. “Also, abuse,” he added, rubbing at his shoulder. Then he smiled slyly, fingers sneaking up to tickle over Ori’s ribs. “And we’ve only just moved in together. Soon I’ll be barefoot and chained in the kitchen.”

“Like you can cook,” Ori pointed out, squirming as he both wanted to get away from Kíli’s sneaky fingers and closer at the same time.  
  
Kíli pouted, his hands settling around Ori’s waist. “So that’s all that’s keeping you?”  
  
“Sure, I just need to figure out how I can get you to order take-out but still not call the police and I’ll have the chains out.” Ori rolled his eyes. “Yeah.”  
  
Snickering Kíli leaned in for a kiss.  
"Make it the bedroom and I'll think about it."  
  
"Your sense of humour..." Ori started to say, but before he could finish Kíli had laid claim to his mouth.  
  
"Is one of the things you love about me," Kíli said when they separated quite some time later.  
  
"Hmm?" Ori said distractedly, leaning in to nibble on Kíli's unreasonably full bottom lip. It was just made to be nibbled on. And Ori was a practical minded person.  
  
"I'm taking that as a yes," Kíli said smugly, another while later.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
-  
  
“I’m beginning to wonder if someone glued them together when we weren’t looking,” Kíli said the next morning, as Thorin trotted into the kitchen, carrying Bilbo on his back.  
  
Ori sighed. “So, therapy for cats. Is that under mental health or vets you think?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not very long, but I had to write this. And with the birth of the guineatiels done, I kinda couldn't wait anymore to post it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, so there ended up being a little more angst in this verse. But no hamsters were injured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you believe me if I said that this chapter would never have been written if diemarysues hadn't asked me if cats had eyelashes?

Bilbo hadn’t intended to leave the apartment. He just fell asleep on the hallway floor, and the next thing he knew he was being stuff into Ori’s pockets, together with a pair of mittens. The clear lesson to be learned here: stay away from mittens. Or somehow communicate to Ori that he needed to stop leaving his tings in weird places and/or actually look what he picked up.  
  
“I’m going to be so late,” Ori muttered beneath his breath and Bilbo’s ears perked up. Maybe Ori was going to Gandalf, then this would be such a hassle after all. Seeing Gandalf was always nice. “Lobelia is going to _kill_ me.”  
  
Um, so that was a resounding no on nice.  
  
Lobelia worked with Ori, and from what Bilbo had overheard Ori telling Kíli, she couldn’t understand why someone would want to have ‘filthy rodents’ as pets. Bilbo had no desire to see a woman like that, so he scrambled up from the bottom of Ori’s coat pocket, peeking out once he got all the way to the top.  
  
Stairs. Good, they were still in the building. He could just jump out, and even if Ori didn’t see him that would be okay because Kíli would be home in an hour or so, and even if he wasn’t, their new landlord seemed very nice and surely wouldn’t think he needed to be exterminated.  
  
Beorn always smelled like dogs and rabbits, so he would probably take pity on a lost little hamster until his human showed up. Yes.  
  
Bilbo winced as he realised that Thorin would be climbing the walls once he noticed that he was missing, quite literally. Hopefully he wouldn’t alarm the kids too much.  
  
Bilbo peeked down again. It was an awfully long way to the ground, even with Ori being fairly short. But… he really didn’t want to meet that Lobelia person.  
  
Still, the hamster hesitated for a moment more and then… he jumped!  
  
Unfortunately he had hesitated for just a little too long, and instead of landing on a smooth linoleum floor, he landed on rough asphalt. Ori had left the building. And the human was in such a rush that he didn’t hear Bilbo’s surprised squeak as he rolled a few times before coming to a stop.  
  
Bilbo carefully stretched out all four of his legs and shook them, he didn’t feel like he’d hurt himself, he just felt a little dizzy. Hamsters were not meant to fly.  
  
‘Click!’ came the sound of the door falling shut and locking itself, and Ori was already half way down the street, moving at a speed that Bilbo had no hope of matching.  
  
“How wonderful,” Bilbo sighed.  
  
-  
  
Thankfully it was a pretty warm day, so Bilbo wasn’t uncomfortable where he sat outside the door, waiting for someone to notice a missing hamster. Or well, someone human, because the only way Thorin _wouldn’t_ have noticed that he was gone by now was if someone had- no… Bilbo couldn’t actually think of something that would have kept Thorin from noticing his absence.  
  
This was ridiculous, Bilbo shook himself. Now he was worrying about Thorin worrying about him. Everything was going to be-  
  
“What _is_ it?”  
  
-just… fine?  
  
Bilbo shrank back a little as he watched the cat (it had to be a cat) slink towards him. It _looked_ like a cat, and at the same time, not like a cat. To start with, it had no fur. None at all. But it had the ears and the legs and the- Bilbo swallowed. The teeth and claws.  
  
It’d been so long since he’d been even remotely scared of Thorin that Bilbo had almost forgotten that not all cats were like him.  
  
“Is it tasty? Is it scrumptious? Is it _crunchable_?”  
  
With each question the cat came a little closer and Bilbo could see the hunger shining out of the big blue eyes.  
  
Without bothering to answer any of the questions, because he was fairly doubtful that his ‘nope’, would have been believed anyway, Bilbo ran for his life.  
  
-  
  
Kíli heard Thorin meowing, _yowling_ really, as soon as he’d stepped out on their floor.  
  
Fumbling for the keys in his pocket the young man rushed to get the door unlocked. What could have happened? Had something happened to Bilbo or one of the cathamsters? Or to Ori? But Ori wasn’t supposed to be at home, he was supposed to work late.  
  
The very second the door was open a black blur sped out and dashed down the stairs. Kíli blinked and then carefully nudged Durin and mini-Kíli inside again when they tried to join Thorin.  
  
“Sorry guys, but I think it’s best if you stay here while I check what’s gotten into your daddy.”  
  
Making sure that no cathamsters were about to be squeezed Kíli closed the door again and raced down the stairs.  
  
Still yowling, Thorin stood on his back legs by the door, pawing at it with his front paws.  
  
“Okay, so I get that you want to go out, but why?” Kíli asked. “Timmy fall down the well?”  
  
The look he got in response was anything _but_ amused. “Fine,” Kíli muttered, reaching for the lock. “But don’t get yourself run over or Ori will never forgive me. Or Bilbo for-“  
  
As he said Bilbo’s name Thorin’s yowl took on an even more urgent note.  
  
“So it’s about Bilbo?” When Thorin turned to glare at him again Kíli huffed. “Fine, fine-“ and opened the door.  
  
The next second, Thorin was gone from the hall, and Kíli stood frozen for a moment before rushing after his boyfriend’s cat.  
  
If Thorin got run over it was possible Kíli wouldn’t forgive himself either.  
  
-  
  
“Bilbo!” Thorin yowled as he ran down the alley. He could smell his hamster. His scent had been just outside the door, and then moving this way. He had to be here. He had to be okay. He had to-  
  
“Thorin?”  
  
“Bilbo!”  
  
“It’s stuck. Dinner is _stuck_!”  
  
Thorin slowed down a little. That wasn’t Bilbo’s voice. Bilbo never hissed.  
  
“I’m not your dinner!” That one the other hand, that sounded like Bilbo. “Thorin!”  
  
Thorin rounded the corner, more on two paws than on four, and what he saw didn’t exactly make him slow down. He couldn’t see Bilbo, but he could see the unfamiliar cat who had his nose pressed to a hole in the brick wall. As Thorin watched, the cat; pale and wrinkly (and who had taken his fur?!) pawed at the crack in the wall. A very familiar squeak could be heard.  
  
“You get away from my hamster,” Thorin growled.  
  
“We saw it first!” the unfamiliar stray hissed, without bothering to turn around. “It’s ours.”  
  
Fur bristling and making him appear about twice his, not inconsiderable, size, Thorin hissed at the pale cat. “No, he’s not. Leave now, or-“  
  
Suddenly a cardboard box fell from the sky and landed over the pale cat.  
  
“Kíli to the rescue!” Kíli cheered, quickly moving to press the box down against the ground when a paw appeared beneath.  
  
“Give it to us” It’s ours. It’s _ours_!” the cat screeched angrily from inside the box, but Thorin was beyond caring. Kíli could deal with it.  
  
“Bilbo?” Thorin breathed, running the last few metres to the crack in the wall. “Are you there? Are you all right? Did he- Are you-?”  
  
A pink nose, slightly paler than normal peeked out, followed by a familiar curly head.  
  
“I’m okay,” Bilbo said a bit shakily. “But I’m really glad you came.”  
  
Thorin licked at Bilbo’s ears, needing to touch his hamster. He was greatly relieved to see that Bilbo didn’t flinch away from him. If he had, if that cat had scared him that much, then fur wouldn't have bene all that cat would have been missing.  
  
“Climb up on my back,” Thorin purred. “He won’t _ever_ hurt you. Isn't that so?” Thorin said demandingly, staring up at Kíli.  
  
“Um, so on three, we run?” the young man suggested as a paw once again became visible beneath the box. "Because I'm not waiting here until Ori gets home, but there are no conveniently heavy objects around to hold the box down. I guess beggers can't be chosers and it was lucky the box was around in the first place but-"  
  
Thorin yowled.  
  
"Right," Kíli said. "So, on three? But maybe you should give Bilbo to me?"  
  
No, he should _not_.  
  
-  
  
When Ori got home he found his boyfriend lying on the couch with a lapful of animals. More than a lapful because they’d spread out to cover his stomach as well. Bilbo was in the middle of the pile, Thorin and pups wrapped around him, and Kíli’s arms around the lot of them.  
  
“Bilbo almost got eaten by a wildcat,” Kíli said quietly.  
  
 “Okay,” Ori said, letting his bag drop to the ground. “Therapy for everyone it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> Cat!Gollum really has a very sad back story.
> 
> He's a very expensive Sphynx kitten given to a spoilt little boy called Mairon.  
> And instead of living the pampered life of a house cat, the kid got bored of him and dumped him all the way cross town on his way to piano lessons. And since then Gollum has trusted no one and kept to himself, only, that's not very healthy (for a lot of reasons) in the long run. 
> 
> After this though, I think they manage to capture Gollum, using fish like bait or something. And then Ori takes him to Gandalf so Gandalf can help him get a proper home. (not really mentioned in the story, but Gandalf is a librarian with the hugest soft-spot for animals ever, and he was the one hooking Ori up with Thorin)
> 
> Hamster!Sam will not be happy to have Gollum around, but I think he won't stay long. 
> 
> Despite being much to skinny he is an expensive breed, and there's probably someone out there who would be happy to spoil him and who won't mind having him meow to himself all the time. (though waking in the middle of the night to blue, almost glow-in-the-dark eyes will take some getting used to.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For eaivalefay and diemarysues

Sam looked at the cat Master Gandalf had called Sméagol. The cat looked back. Thankfully Sam was in his cage and the cat was in a carrier, so looking was where things would both begin and end unless one of them quickly figured out how to walk through solid objects.  
  
Sam wasn’t about to try as he didn’t much care for the look in those blue eyes.  
  
“Is fat hamster tasty?” the cat hissed.  
  
“Fat?” Sam asked, offended. “And I _hope_ I’m tasty, because that would serve you right because you won’t be eating me.”  
  
The cat was silent for a moment. “Does the hamster likes riddles?”  
  
“No!”

“Stupid, fat hamster,” the cat muttered, and then it was quiet except for the occasional hissing and meowing. Sam wasn't surprised that the creature talked to himself. He supposed no one else would want to, except... Master Gandalf had said that there were some people coming to collect the cat later that day. But they were likely just as crazy.  
  
"It was ours!" the cat suddenly hissed, and Sam sighed and went to take a nap.

Thankfully the crazy people who wanted to adopt the cat came by pretty soon after that. Not that the arrival of crazy people was usually nice, but it was good since it meant that they would hopefully leave soon.

When one of the humans glared at him and said something about rodents, Sam demonstratively turned his back to them.  
  
Why couldn’t Master Gandalf just bring better company around? Like Master Ori and his Frodo. Frodo hadn’t been crazy. He’d been really nice. A little thin perhaps; Sam had wondered if Frodo’s human really fed him properly, but perhaps it was just a Frodo thing, because Master Ori had seemed nice, and also: not crazy. It deserved to be said again.  
  
-  
  
“Saruman, Grima,” Gandalf smiled. “I’m glad you were able to make it.”  
  
Saruman nodded politely, looking to where Grima was already crouching down next to the cat carrier.  
  
“I hope I understood you correctly, that it wasn’t really a cat allergy, as much as a dust allergy?”  
  
“Yes,” Saruman said when his husband wouldn’t reply, too busy with the staring contest with the hairless cat. “We thought we’d try it with a cat that wasn’t capable of collecting a house worth’s of dust only to deposit it on Grima’s face.”  
  
He’d told his husband that he just shouldn’t let the creatures sleep in their bed, but… he knew Grima felt lonely. Saruman silently vowed to try and cut back on his business trips. It wasn’t the first time he’d promised himself this, but he always meant it. It was just not that easy.  
  
“If it doesn’t work out for you, please just bring him back here,” Gandalf said and Saruman looked affronted.  
  
“Of course,” he said shortly. The pets that they’d not been able to keep had all ended up in good homes. He didn't much care for what Gandalf was insinuating.  
  
“What is his name?” Grima asked, still not budging from his crouch by the carrier, blue eyes locked with blue.  
  
“I’m afraid he doesn’t really have one,” Gandalf said. “I’ve been calling him Sméagol because it seemed to suit him, but he’s not really paying much attention to me when I do that.”  
  
“Can we call him Precious?” Grima asked, turning back to Saruman who noticed that the cat’s ears perked up with interest.  
  
The tall man sighed. “Well, he seems to listen to it.”  
  
“Precious,” Grima crooned and lo and behold, the cat started purring.

-

  
“Good,” Master Gandalf said as the two other humans had left. “I believe that might just work out for the best. Now…” Master Gandalf turned to Sam and winked. “I think I will invite myself for tea. I don't suppose you would want to join me? I was planning to see if Ori was home.”  
  
Frodo.  
   
“I would!” Sam peeped and his human nodded. Sam was never quite sure if Master Gandalf understood him or if he was just good at guessing but since the result was much the same, did it really matter?  
   
“Good, good,” Master Gandalf said and opened his cage. “Then let’s be off then. I don’t like being late.”  
  
“How can you be late if they don’t know that you’re coming?” Sam wondered as he trotted up into Master Gandalf’s hand , but this time he didn’t get a reply. Typical.  
  
-  
  
It was something of a shock for Sam to learn that Frodo had not only one, but two dads. And that one of them was a _cat_ (!).  
  
(!)  
  
When they last had met Frodo had indeed not mentioned a mother, only a father (or two of them, as it turned out) but how was Sam supposed to know that the word Dad meant not only one, but two separate people depending on who Frodo was thinking of at the time? AND THAT ONE OF THEM WAS A CAT?  
  
(This was indeed an issue that deserved capitalisation.)  
  
“Sam,” Frodo peered worriedly down on Sam where he was hiding in Gandalf’s tea cup (thankfully empty of tea). Admittedly it wasn’t a very good hiding place, but he’d been on the table, talking to Frodo, when the cat (!) had just sauntered into the room, and well, there might have been some panicking taking place after that. The tea cup had simply been the closest available hiding spot.  
  
“Frodo,” Sam said with as much calm as he could.  
  
“Please come up?”  
  
“I’m not sure that is a good idea.”  
  
A soft thud could be heard, as well as Ori saying: “Thorin, get down from the table!”  
  
“Really not a good idea,” Sam added, pressing himself further down into the cup. Did cups come with lids?  
  
“Do you want me to take Thorin out?” Ori asked Master Gandalf, and Sam would have nodded, but he was a bit busy pretending to be invisible.  
  
“Thorin, you’re scaring the lad,” he heard Frodo’s other dad, Bilbo, say. Mister Bilbo had seemed very nice. Apart from the bit where he was _mad_ that was. Mated to a cat? Sam had _never_ -  
  
“Good,” the cat said and begun to purr.  
  
“I think,” Gandalf mused. “That Thorin might come to realise that trying to eat Sam will not end very well, should he make the attempt. But I also think that we will all leave here today, being better friends than when we arrived.”  
  
The cat scoffed, and Sam squeaked.  
  
“Thorin,” Mister Bilbo said warningly, but he didn’t get much further than that before there was a growled complaint, and when Sam cautiously peeked up from the rim of the cup he saw the cat being placed on the floor again by Master Ori. That was at least a little better.  
  
Sam flinched when Frodo lightly touched their whiskers together and Frodo looked guilty. “Perhaps I should have mentioned this?” he said awkwardly. “I just, it’s normal for _us_.”  
  
Nor it was Sam’s turn to feel guilty. “I didn’t mean- of course it’s,” he swallowed. “Normal for you, he’s your dad, yeah? It’s just,” Sam lowered his voice. “He’s a cat!”  
  
“With _excellent_ hearing,” Frodo’s dad, the one with the claws, rumbled from the floor.  
  
“And he won’t hurt you,” Frodo said pointedly. “Will you, dad?”  
  
“I _might_.”  
  
“He won’t,” Mister Bilbo said. “Because if even one _hair_ goes missing on young Sam there, you’ll be sleeping alone on the couch for the foreseeable future.”  
  
Sam couldn’t really understand why Mister Bilbo, who really did seem very nice, had gotten it into his head to mate with a cat. But… Sam looked to Frodo. At least something good had come out of it.  
  
-  
  
Bilbo and Thorin were lying together on the couch, looking as their children played together with young Sam.

“Darling, you are being very rude,” Bilbo scolded Thorin, turning his face up to glare at his cat. “It’s not Sam’s fault that Frodo disappeared before.”

“What if he wants to go there again?” Thorin muttered. “I won’t have that, that-“  
  
“Hamster?” Bilbo suggested drily. “Like the rest of your family.”  
  
“That _boy_ taking our Frodo away from us.”  
  
“Thorin,” Bilbo squirmed out from beneath Thorin until they were sitting face to face. “If Frodo gets a friend, that’s something good. _Good_. It’s _good_ to have friends outside your family.”

“But-“  
  
“ _Good_.”  
  
Thorin sighed. “Get back here so I can fix your fur, it’s standing every which way again.”  
  
"Don't think that this is the end of this conversation," Bilbo warned. "Unless you agree with me, because then we're done."  
  
-  
  
Sam really tried not to look at Frodo’s dad practically being eaten by Frodo’s other dad. No one else paid the licking any attention, so it had to be another thing that was _normal_.

  
-  
  
Thorin would almost have preferred it if Sam had been a little more… obnoxious. It was fairly hard to keep glaring at someone who looked to be a moment away from fainting, but still bravely held his head high.  
  
It was however a lot easier to glare at the boy his Frodo stood pressed up against, (and Frodo looked so small next to him as Sam was a fairly big hamster. So small and tiny and defenceless to all the bad things in the world) so all in all, Thorin did a fairly good job of glaring.  
  
“If Frodo ever visits you again, you will make sure that he’s not run away-“  
  
“Dad!”  
  
“-and if he has, you will send him straight home.”  
  
“Yes, Mister Cat-“ Sam winced. “I mean, Mister Frodo’s Dad, Sir.”

 “His name is Thorin,” Bilbo said, amused.  
  
“Mister Thorin,” Sam said promptly.


	12. When Ori Met Bilbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place before the rest of the series.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh, and I posted this in the wrong story first, lol I suck.
> 
> especially since this wasn't what I had meant to write in the first place *shakes fist* hamstersssss

Ori had never intended to get a hamster. He had a cat. That right there was a pretty good incentive _not_ to get a hamster because with a cat came a fairly high chance that he wouldn’t have a hamster for very long. Thorin wasn't... okay he was a little vicious when he didn't like people, and he didn't like a whole lot of people, and he was a downright bastard to the lizards living outside in the garden, but he was a nice cat. Mostly. The problem wouldn't be Thorin _not_ liking the hamster, it would likely be Thorin liking the hamster a little too much. Perhaps even enough to ignore how hamsters probably didn't taste anything like salmon.  
  
That was rather besides the point though, because as mentioned; Ori had never intended to get a hamster anyway.

What was he supposed to do with a hamster? They were so _small_. What if he misplaced it or forgot to feed it? Thorin always made sure to loudly yowl his displeasure when the salmon was not served at the usual hour but hamsters didn’t yowl. Nor would they wake him in the middle of the night with a paw to the nose if he'd forgotten to fill the water bowl. Gandalf's hamster Sam seemed nice enough, but no.  
  
No, Ori had _never_ meant to get a hamster. He’d only gone to the pet store to get a toy for Thorin (the cat never played with them when Ori was around, but considering how they kept moving around the flat he had a fairly good idea that Thorin did enjoy them), and he’d not meant to go by the corner where the mice and hamsters were, but there’d been this really large and loud man in the main aisle yelling about parakeets. You’d do best to avoid anyone yelling about parakeets, simple as that.

His eyes had just glanced over the small animals when one of them caught his attention and before he knew it Ori had stopped to crouch down next to the glass, erm, cage?  
  
Usually glass things were aquariums or terrariums but there was a distinct lack of water, and Ori wasn’t entirely sure what the definition of terrarium was in the first place. He knew what a penguinarium was, both because it was fairly obvious and because Kíli had taken great pleasure in telling him the time they’d gone to the zoo together.  
  
Ori had felt a bit like a pervert for crushing on a guy who took such obvious pleasure in dragging him to the petting zoo, but it helped that Kíli definitely did not look like a kid even if he was in fact a little younger than Ori.  
  
How Kíli looked didn’t help with the crush though. Noooo. Ori’s crush was very fond of Kíli’s ever present stubble and messy hair and muscles and big hands and – best end that line of thought right there considering he was in a pet shop, or he would get a very unfortunate reputation.  
  
“Why do you look so sad, little one,” Ori instead asked the hamster he’d noticed before.  
  
He knew he was being silly, but he’d gotten in the habit of talking to Thorin and now he couldn’t seem to help himself even with other animals. It was probably a sign of being really _sad_ (instead of silly) when it came down to it, and Ori should probably just give up and get some more cats (hope that Thorin wouldn’t do away with them), give up on his stupid crush on Kíli and call it a day.  
  
Still, it wasn’t quite as sad as how the hamster looked. The little guy (girl?) was tucked into a pile of what looked like shredded paper in one corner of the cage, looking like the weight of the world was piled on his small, furry shoulders. (and not just the weight of the paper)  
  
“Oh, that’s Bilbo,” a voice said from behind. “He’s been a bit down lately, poor sweetheart.”  
  
Ori rose from his crouch and turned around to see a blonde girl in the pet store uniform stacking packets of fish food on a nearby shelf. She walked over and leaned in close, prompting Ori’s mind to flail helplessly for a moment because not only was she a girl she was also much too young to be hitting on him and _help_?  
  
“His parents died, you see,” she said, conspiratorially lowering her voice, and Ori took a moment to be relieved that it wasn’t a come-on before feeling bad for being relieved over something that was actually quite sad indeed.  
  
“Oh,” he said. “Is he, all alone then?” Ori’s parents had died when he was pretty young as well but he’d had Dori and Nori, and they’d taken good care of him. This hamster, Bilbo, was all alone in the cage.

“He’s got lots of cousins, but he’s not feeling too sociable at the moment, kept ignoring them when we had them in a cage together. We’ve tried pairing him up with some of our females as well, not the ones he’s related to of course, but so far he doesn’t seem to be in the mood for any sort company.” She sighed. “I hope he cheers up, because he’s really the sweetest. But right now…” she crouched down next to the cage and it made Bilbo burrow deeper inside his little nest. “Not so much. You looking for a hamster?”  
  
“No,” Ori said, shaking his head. “I just-“ he glanced towards the parakeet-man who had stopped shouting but still looked upset as he was talking to another store employee,  flailing wildly while doing so. “Just curious I guess.”  
  
“Well, let me know if you need any help,” the girl beamed, and Ori cautiously smiled back and thanked her.  
  
She returned to stacking fish food but Ori was strangely reluctant to leave the hamster section. As the girl had moved away Bilbo’s tiny head had popped back out of the shredded paper and he was looking up at Ori with sad peppercorn eyes that made Ori's heart ache.  
  
The young man crouched down again. “I know what it feels like to lose your parents,” he murmured. “I’m sorry. But-” he hesitated. “It doesn’t really get better if _all_ you do is to think about it.”  
  
The little hamster slowly moved a little further out of his nest.  
  
“I didn’t want to do anything else.” Ori bit his lip. “But my brothers, oh, and they were hurting too, but they made sure I ate, and took me to the park so I could at least be sad in the fresh air and sunshine, and-“  
  
 _Oh_. Now Ori felt even worse. This little hamster had probably lived his whole life in the pet store. He wouldn’t- Dammit.  
  
“You’d like grass,” Ori said lamely. “My cat doesn’t, but he’s a cat. He eats it with this look of vicious satisfaction and then he throw up. I think it’s a cat thing. Or just a Thorin thing. It’s hard to tell.”  
  
Now the hamster had moved all the way out of the paper nest and it was sitting just next to the glass, looking up at Ori with a slightly less sad look.

Without thinking about it Ori pressed a finger to the cage’s glass wall, and Bilbo lifted a tiny paw and pressed it against his side of the glass.  
  
-  
  
Ten minutes later Ori walked out of the pet store carrying basic supplies to take care of a hamster, a hamster cage, and in that cage Bilbo sat wearing a slightly stunned but hopeful look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a small ficlet to close this story, but no worries, the series will continue.

“Is that a hamster in your pocket or are you happy to see me?” Kíli asked, wrapping his arm around Ori’s waist.

Ori looked down and was confused for a moment before he felt something move against his thigh. "Fili!"

"So, not a trouser snake then?" Kíli grinned. “See, I keep telling you that your jeans are too baggy. Get tighter ones. I get to look at your arse, and the hamsters won’t try and tag along when we go out. Win, win.”

“So you don’t like my trouser snake?” Ori asked as he tried to fish Fíli out of his pocket without squishing him.

"Ori," Kíli said with a delighted smile. "You kinda made a pun, I like it!"

"A pun? Where?"

"You agreed that there was a trouser snake?" Kíli narrowed his eyes. "If you've got an actual snake in your pants and or trousers I demand that you give me mini-Fíli right now."

Ori rolled his eyes, but couldn’t stop a smile from touching his lips. “How about we postpone dinner for just a little bit and you can personally check my pants and or trousers for snakes?” he murmured.  
  
“Deal!” Kíli agreed, and mini-Fíli was quickly deposited down on the ground, just in time for Kíli to pounce.  
  
Sighing, as his plan to see the world had been cruelly crushed before it had even started, mini-Fíli trotted out of the bedroom and into the living room. He did his best to look innocent, because the less his parents knew about what had almost just happened the better. They still had their fur in a fuss over the time when Frodo went to meet Sam.

“Dad, Ori and his Kíli are wrestling on the bed. And they’re tearing off each other’s outer fur. Why are they-”  
  
“Clothes,” Thorin said, the very image of calm except for the way his tail has completely fluffed up in alarm. But as Fíli couldn't see his fur from the floor... “The outer fur on humans is called clothes. And never mind what they’re doing, they're just being silly. Just- don’t go in there."  
  
A small chuckle came from Bilbo, curled up against Thorin’s side on the couch.  
  
“Darling you can’t avoid this conversation forever,” he said quietly.

"Yes I can," Thorin hissed. "Fíli, would you like to go dust bunny hunting with me?"  
  
Fíli perked up, and almost at the same time a moan came from the bedroom.  
  
"I'll just go and close the door," Thorin muttered darkly as he slipped down from the couch. _Humans_... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned, the rest of the stories in this verse (and yeah, it's been a while I know, reasons etc) will be posted in the series, so if you want to keep track of them I'd suggest to keep track of the series *nods* 
> 
> I'm spring cleaning my WIPS, but I didn't want to just close this without a final update.
> 
> (There's no real reason to keep this separate story going when there's a series where everything fits into anyway.)
> 
> :)

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't even know there was such a thing as a plot hamster... I thought the bunnies were bad enough.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Bill the Hamster's Adventures in Erebor](https://archiveofourown.org/works/983912) by [alkjira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira)
  * [Uncle Dwalin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1086720) by [diemarysues](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diemarysues/pseuds/diemarysues)
  * [A Ring](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1113373) by [diemarysues](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diemarysues/pseuds/diemarysues)




End file.
